PyroFalkon's Nest of Musings

Rainbow AAR Ep 64 - From Dust To Dust

2012-01-30T00:01:00.000-05:00

The guys continue through the player-made map, Alley Strike, attempting to avenge their loss from several episodes ago. Last time they were here, they were unable to complete the map due to a bug which locked up Pyro's controls. Can they overcome the troubles, now that the number of enemies have been reduced?

Rainbow AAR Ep 63 - The Sound of Silence

2012-01-29T13:43:00.002-05:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi return to their bread and butter, Rainbow Six 3, for this week's Let's Play session. The guys go back and try to avenge some of their previous losses on some maps that were created by slightly insane map makers.

Dynasty Warriors 7 - Episode 2 - Banned Pokemon Names

2012-01-27T00:01:00.000-05:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi play Dynasty Warriors 7 in Conquest Mode. Rather than doing a standard LP however, Pyro gives the mic to his friend, Rachel, who decides to share with everyone the list of banned Pokemon names. Don't worry folks: she's racist against EVERYONE, so it's okay!

Dynasty Warriors 7 - Episode 1 - Blind Leading the Blind

2012-01-26T19:49:00.002-05:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi play Dynasty Warriors 7 in Conquest Mode! This episode is mostly a sound test, but the guys banter as they slaughter some Chinese soldiers in an effort to escort Zhang Fei to safety.

Note that the audio levels were a bit unbalanced, and it may be a little tough to hear Yoshi. That will definitely be fixed in future episodes, but this one should be a good start.

Dynasty Warriors 7 - Hardware Tests

2012-01-20T00:01:00.000-05:00

PyroFalkon plays a mission in Dynasty Warriors 7 Conquest Mode as Xiao Qiao! Yes, she's wearing a volleyball outfit. Apparently, Pyro has enough money that he's spent it on DLC outfits for his Dynasty Warriors characters. Sad, huh?

This video was made to test my new Hauppauge video capture box. Seems to have turned out okay. As always, the video is rendered with PowerDirector 10, but Hauppague's software did the capturing and initial rendering of the raw clip. Bit rate is 6K/sec; any more and the file gets too large for my comfort, as it already takes a couple hours just to upload a 10-minute clip to YouTube.

No commentary in this one because I was more interested in making sure the capture worked and it got along with PowerDirector. Yoshi and I will probably be doing console Let's Plays as we go on, especially if this looks good here on YouTube. Enjoy, and comment if you wish!

PyroFalkon does a VERY fast mission in Dynasty Warriors 7 Conquest Mode. This one was recorded with a 9k bit rate, slightly faster than the previous video, which was done in 6k. This video is just a further test to see whether the increase of bit rate makes a significant difference in quality, and further whether it's worth the extra hard drive space.

Also, the brightness has been increased about 25% per the suggestion of viewer DanXNguyen.

UN Squadron - Session 1 Part 5

2012-01-19T00:01:00.000-05:00

Pyro's session of the classic side-scrolling shooter, UN Squadron, is coming to a close. With only a few stages to go, it's a race to see if his few remaining lives can hold out. Can Pyro pull off a post-Christmas miracle?

UN Squadron - Session 1 Part 4

2012-01-17T00:01:00.001-05:00

The stages of UN Squadron are get harder, and Pyro reverses his opinion on the Xbox 360 controller: its analog stick starts to cause his precision to dip a bit. Or maybe he's just looking for an excuse to justify his crashing into everything that can be crashed into! Can he steady his suddenly shaky thumbs?

UN Squadron - Session 1 Part 3

2012-01-15T00:01:00.001-05:00

Pyro continues his session with UN Squadron, an old side-scrolling shooter for the SNES. This time, he takes on a variety of locales, hitting targets on land, in the sea, and in the air! Whether it's a submarine as large as a skyscraper or a forest castle large enough to make Lord of the Rings architecture look like macaroni art, Pyro pilots his plane with the propensity of a pilliaging pirate!

UN Squadron - Session 1 Part 2

2012-01-14T00:01:00.000-05:00

Pyro continues playing the old classic side-scrolling shooter, UN Squadron. He's clearly rusty, but his piloting skills are coming back to him, as well as what order to actually take the stages so he doesn't die! Riding this momentum, can anything stop him from just blowing through the game that would make a speed-runner blush with envy?

UN Squadron - Session 1 Part 1

2012-01-12T00:01:00.000-05:00

PyroFalkon plays one of his favorite games of all time, UN Squadron, an old side-scrolling shooter that was released on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System way back in 1991. An old classic, Pyro hasn't played it in several years, so can he remember how to get through it without exploding every thirty seconds?

WYR #16: Another Crazy Superpower

2012-01-11T02:39:00.004-05:00

Almost forgot to put up a WYR post this week. They seem to be coming every other week now instead of every week as I intended. Too much laziness on my part.

Normally I avoid the questions in the "Ethics/Intellect" category, but they're sometimes kinda interesting. We had that one post about whether you'd want to erase your own memories or someone else's, and this is a similar theme.

With a long-term goal of improving the world and with the power to inspire change, would you rather have the benefit of knowing mankind's future or have the power to change mankind's past?

There is one key word in the blue answer that makes it more attractive to me: "have the power to change." The question qualifies that you already have "the power to inspire change," but that doesn't necessarily mean you can or will. Everyone on the planet has the potential to inspire change; they just have to learn how. But as Martin Luther King Jr. and others have proven, you can have great ideas and be a solid orator, but if an asshole refuses to listen to reason or be open to new ideas, he isn't going to change.

Anyone who knows me knows that I take the cliché "If you want something done right, do it yourself" to heart. I would especially carry that in doing something like trying to make the world a better place, if I was arrogant enough to think I actually good. The blue answer implies that I have the personal ability to actually make things better, not just make a speech and hope others get it.

It's a selfish answer though, because my idea of paradise is probably not anyone else's idea; using my influence to order people to do things I want them to do makes me no better than the Catholic Church or any other organization that wants obedience over willing conversions. That all said, I still choose the blue answer, because I'd rather be able to get my hands dirty and fix things than rely on others to do it for me.

MLB 11 - Hot Shot

2012-01-10T00:01:00.000-05:00

Pyro doesn't normally take pleasure in another person's misery or pain, but when it happens to just people-shaped polygons, it can be pretty funny. This happened during Road to the Show mode with one of his created characters.

Vacation Time

2012-01-09T23:25:00.001-05:00

Today begins my twelve-day vacation from Wal-Mart, giving me time to get my other projects going and, more importantly, rest up from the holiday season. I’m sure it's logical to you, but working retail is a bitch during the Christmas shopping season. This is when we get to rest: everyone else has already had their holiday and is grudgingly getting back to work. But now, we get a chance to calm down and celebrate.

I do enjoy my work—it’s not my dream job, but I do find pleasurable parts to get me through the days—but sometimes, the job itself kinda stinks. Good customers honestly make the job worth it; bad customers make me wonder why I ever applied in the first place. Or better put, the bad customers make me pretty worried about the direction basic civility is headed.

For example, I respect customers who actually take the time to look for their own damn products instead of bothering the nearest employee about it, but that’s what we’re there for, and I don’t exactly mind when a customer requests directions. However, the key word there is “request.” I had a guy several months ago just come up to me and shout “Light bulbs!” in a grizzled, military veteran voice. I pointed him in the direction of Hardware and gave him directions to the specific aisle, and he just did a reverse Bruce Willis Turn and sulked away in the direction I indicated. No thank you, nothing else.

It’s not a one-time occurrence. During Christmas, I had a woman come up to me and ask, “Can I ask you a question?” I said she could, so she goes: “Ant traps!” That’s not a question; that’s a compound noun. At that point, I should be able to start screaming random nouns too, like “Carpet!” or “Enema lube!”

Actually, “enema lube” is fitting, since if I’ve got a customer yelling product names at me, I’m more than likely talking to an asshole.

Read the rest of Pyro's WWE recap at Online Onslaught!

Rainbow AAR Ep 62 - Back to University

2011-12-31T00:01:00.000-05:00

The guys enter the seventh and final map, the University. Pyro specifically wanted to take this one on to avenge their loss from the last session. Pyro hates ending gaming sessions on a loss as he has previously said, so the outcome of this one is pretty obvious... once the guys get their act together, anyway.

Rainbow AAR Ep 61 - Market of Pain

2011-12-30T00:01:00.000-05:00

The guys finish off the castle, the first map of Athena Sword, and move on to the Agora Market, the LAST map of Athena Sword. They haven't done terrorist hunt in the Market before, or at least they haven't for many years, so it feels like a new experience. Can the guys get it together and beat the map without too many losses?

Rainbow AAR Ep 60 - Repeating Mistakes

2011-12-29T00:01:00.000-05:00

Although Pyro usually knows what he's doing, there are times he has a brain fart... or more than one, in this case. Pyro starts playing like a rookie as the guys take on the Castle in Milan stage, leaving Yoshi to do most of the work. Luckily, Yoshi has shaken off his Rainbow rust and is eager to contribute.

WYR #15: Night Dream Believer

2011-12-28T15:42:00.002-05:00

I forgot to make a post last week, and nearly forgot this week too! But here's this week's question -- and I had to burn through about five cards to find one worth typing...

Would you rather lose your ability to dream but never have nightmares again or have colorful lucid dreams regularly but also the occasional terrible nightmare?

This might be a "grass is greener" situation for me, but I already have occasional lucid dreams, though I lack the ability to control them like some people can. But mixed in with those lucid dreams are terrible nightmares that typically are less scary than emotionally scarring. I've given the details of some of those to friends, and they're so disturbing to myself that I'm not going to detail them here.

To answer the question, I know from experience that having a nightmare drains my energy; typically I get up from a nightmare and feel like I hadn't slept at all, which is a serious problem if I'm having to go to work that day. While lucid dreams are fun, that's all they are; a good dream doesn't balance with a nightmare, in that a good dream doesn't give me extra energy to balance a nightmare's sapping of it. In other words, for me, dreaming is a lose-only proposition, so what's the point of risking it? In this case, if I have to take the bad with the mediocre, I'd rather take nothing at all, so I choose the red answer and would rather never dream at all.

Hell, for me, sleeping is an inconvenience anyway. So if I don't dream, then I'd lose total track of that time, and I'd only be concerned with recharging my energy rather than what fiction I have playing in my head for eight hours or less per night.

Rainbow AAR Ep 59 - Wrong Weapon, No Problem

2011-12-27T00:01:00.000-05:00

The guys continue on to the Volcano Observatory stage, one of Pyro's favorites. Still, it's been a while since he's been there, so he forgets the exact layout and winds up taking an inappropriate weapon. He's a pro though, and he and Yoshi hit the stage with their normal, profanity-laden professionalism.

Rainbow AAR Ep 58 - Prison Sentence

2011-12-26T00:01:00.000-05:00

Pyro and Yoshi head back to the prison level, ironically to deal with terrorists. Now that Yoshi's ladder works and he's not clipping through a wall to his death, their efforts should pay off better this time... right?

Rainbow AAR Ep 57 - 2 Wins, 1 Glitch

2011-12-24T21:45:00.000-05:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi start up another session of Rainbow Six 3: Athena Sword. The guys begin as usual with their warm-up maps, which they make short work of. It seems this session won't result in too many tears!

On the Mend

2011-12-16T21:24:00.001-05:00

So, you know how on Monday, I stated that I had some “grosssymptoms of the flu”? Well, that was pretty much upgraded from “gross symptoms”to “get me into a fucking hospital NOW” a few days ago. But because I’m a man,am uninsured, and feel I deserve it anyway, I went ahead and just stayed homeafter calling off work.

And man, this has been one of the longest weeks of my life.Only today am I trying for a full meal; yesterday I some plain rice, but spentthe previous 48 hours not even bothering to eat since nothing was staying in mystomach anyway. I think I may have returned to work one day early, because Iwas pretty dragging for the first half of the day. But after lunch—in thiscase, a one-hour totally uncomfortable nap in my work area—I wasn’t doing toobad. So now I’m home, I’m scraping together a meal, and I’ll have Burn Noticeto look forward to after WWE SmackDown since I totally forgot about it lastnight.

Other than my Would You Rather post on my blog and someancillary work on WWE ’12 for IGN, I haven’t done a damn thing this week. Ifeel like I’ve lost the whole week and have nothing to show for it… I don’t getsick very often other than allergies, and when I do, it’s usually over with ina couple days, and it’s certainly neverdebilitating to the point where I can’t work on an IGN assignment. This… thiswas an unpleasant first.

I guess I’m on the mend, but the timing kinda sucked,because we had Christmas dinner today. By “we” I mean Wal-Mart, of course, thisbeing one of the two days they feed us. But I’m not a jerk, so I kept my assout of the break room; it’s bad enough I showed up at all, but as long as Istayed in my own little corner in the very back of the store, the chance I’dinfect others was minimized. Hopefully I’ll be 100% by the time I’m on theother side of the weekend because I’ll be seeing and old friend and don’t wantto be spreading my flu around to him either.

WYR #14: Sounds Like Pain

2011-12-14T16:48:00.003-05:00

Sorry for this one coming so late in the day, everyone. I'm still fighting off the worst flu bug I've ever had it my life, and it's not been a pleasant experience. I won't gross you out with the symptoms, but I will say it's made finding time to sit at my computer for five straight minutes a challenge.

But hey, at least I didn't miss my personal goal of getting this post done on Wednesday! And I'm going to try to be making future WYR posts happen every week, though hopefully not so late that it can interfere with dinner like it is this week.

Okay, so... The rules of "Would You Rather" are simple. I'll present a question from this handy stack of cards I've got here. Each question has two answers, arbitrarily colored red and blue. You have to pick one answer -- you can't say "both" or "neither" -- and the most important rule is that you have to justify the answer. You don't need to give us a 5000-word essay on the subject, but merely picking an answer and not explaining why is no fun for anyone. Once you have your answer, leave a comment on the blog here, and discuss with the others who have answered if you wish!

By the way, the cards do feature some rather heavy questions, and I'm trying to avoid those. It might be fun to drop in a serious one every month or so, but there are questions here that deal with religion, politics, and so on, and that's not what the blog is for. If you guys specifically want me to feature more, I'll do so, but we're going to keep it light-hearted at first.

Okay, here were go...

Would you rather be forced to watch The Sound of Music continuously for 48 hours or drive cross-country with Barry Manilow singing on the radio the whole time?

Given that I hate musicals and saxophones, neither option here is particularly appealing. Part of me wants to do some Googling and figure out how long it takes to drive cross-country, but I'm pretty damn sure it would take longer than 48 hours.

Here's the thing though... if I'm driving, then I have other stuff I need to worry about. Other drivers, weather conditions, that dead body in my trunk; there are tons of distractions. As such, I can probably tune out Manilow and whatever noises he makes from his throat hole. Plus, you have a destination in mind, and you'll be able to see the sights.

Being forced to watch The Sound of Music for two days straight just means you're going to go insane. That's sleep deprivation working against you, and the characters will start talking to you by the time it's over with. And the only "destination" you have to look forward to is sobbing into your own pillow when your dreams are haunted by nuns and rolling hills or whatever The Sound of Music is about. Yeah yeah, I admit, I'm a philistine.

Anyway, I pick the blue answer. If nothing else, I could wear earplugs as I'm driving, which I'm sure is totally legal.

Lunatics? Or Just Plain Stupidity?

2011-12-12T20:03:00.002-05:00

I’m not the superstitious sort, but we had a full moon onSaturday, and some weirdness was in full force yesterday. At Wal-Mart, we had alady pass out from a seizure near the milk cases, and not ten minutes later wehad two guys fighting over who would buy the last pair of some model of shoes.(Winner: someone else, since both of them got the consolation prize of alifetime of family shame.) Hours later, the fire alarms activated for no reason—twice—bringingforth Xenia’s finest and firefighters to waste their time milling about thestore. Then as I went home, I wound up injuring my left leg; when I woke upthis morning, my left calf suffered what was easily the worst pain I’ve ever dealtwith in my entire life. Throw in a flu bug, and it’s been one hell of a weekend…The upshot is, given my gross and embarrassing symptoms of my flu, I just mightlose some weight this holiday season.

Trying to get back to normal here, but I’m pretty tired andmostly just want to sleep, so naturally this is the week WWE decides to do athree-hour special. I’m not feeling much creative energy, so my recap will probably be abare-bones one without my usual blathering, for better or worse depending onhow much I entertain you personally.

If you are the type who I entertain, besure to check out my blog starting this Wednesday. I’m going to bereintroducing my “Would You Rather…?” game that you’ve probably played ahundred times before with friends after a solid night of drinkin’. Basically, Ipresent you with a question with two possible answers, and you have to pick oneanswer and justify it. (Justifying itis the fun part!) It’ll give my blog some much-needed new content, and it’llonly be a five-minute trip for you guys every week, so hopefully you’ll likeit.

Saints Done

2011-12-09T21:36:00.001-05:00

You know how I was sosuper into Saints Row: The Third afew weeks ago that Rick had to title therecap to humor my obsession? Well, now that the IGN Entertainment wikiguide is done (which you can find by clicking here, and it’sdamn near my best piece of work ever), I’m done with the game… and I’m notgoing to touch it again for six months.

I’ve mentioned beforethat the hardest part of guide writing is not the effort it takes to becreative and entertaining while being instructive, but doing all that when youdon’t want to. And man, doing Saints Row: The Third has been time-consuming. I’ve been having to play it all day, everyday, for the last two weeks. Mostly because, in order to make the guide awesome—andit’s getting heavy traffic on IGN, so I neededto make it awesome—I had to take screenshots… which I neglected to do thefirst time through. So, operating on orders from IGN, I had to play through thegame AGAIN as fast as humanly possible, when basically every brain cell wasscreaming at me to be doing something else. (Zimos is hilarious since he speaksonly in Auto-Tune, but you can only hear the same joke so many times.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’mnot whining about the job. Hell, playing games and writing about them, for a paycheck? Ain’t no better job inthe world, guys. But it’s still a job, and I was still shooting people inSaints Row when I really, really, just wanted to be social with my friends or,you know, go out for tacos. So now I’m resenting the game, and I don’t want tothink about it for a long, long time.

But it’s done, and it’sbecome an awesome guide, especially the part where I startchanneling my Online Onslaught writing style on IGN, which was fairlysurreal. But the next one will interest you guys too, since it’s for WWE ’12!Custom wrestlers are made, modes have been explored, and now I just need to startplaying with Road To WrestleMania and get to writin’!

Cheese As a Lubricant

2011-11-02T18:20:00.002-04:00

Pyro: Whenever you're ready, let me know. I'm just watching some Netflix right now. Even if it won't be for some hours. I need some food anyway. I'm feeling mac and cheese. I really need to buy some shredded cheese. I sometimes mix shredded cheese with my mac and cheese for extra cheesy goodneess.

Yoshi: lol... mmm...

P: Indeed.

Y: I'll be home at 10:30 your time like usual

P: Ooo... I need soda anyway. I can run to Speedway, get some cheesy dip and soda, and pour a little cheesy dip into my mac and cheese.

Y: ew

P: "Ew?" Shredded, solid, or liquid, what's the difference?

Y: uh.. level of prostitution?

P: ...

Y: er, processing. same diff.

P: No. No, they're not. What's on YOUR mind?

Y: no-nothing

Rainbow AAR Episode 43 - Speedy Demise

2011-10-13T00:01:00.000-04:00

As usual when the guys are winding down their session, they start to get sloppy. Mass deaths quickly follow, but Pyro hates ending gaming sessions with losses.

Rainbow AAR Episode 42 - A Relaxing Voyage

2011-10-12T00:01:00.000-04:00

After the run of technical glitches in the last video, Pyro and Yoshi hop aboard a Carnival Cruisline ship as they reminise about GoldenEye 64. The terrorists aren't keen on revisiting history, or eating the awesome catering spread they stole from the employees, so the guys decide to clean the ship of douchebags for when they inevitably discover Supermodel Island.

Rainbow AAR Episode 41 - Pyro Is Sidelined

2011-10-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

Technical problems abound for the guys, and Pyro is hit especially hard. Yoshi is shouldered with most of the burden for this episode.

Rainbow AAR Episode 40 - SPASing Out

2011-10-10T00:01:00.000-04:00

Okay, so the chemical plant didn't work out for the first attempt. Pyro decides to switch up his loadout and take the SPAS, his favorite shotgun. Things are definitely looking up... for THAT stage, anyway.

Rainbow AAR Episode 39 - Noxious Fumes

2011-10-09T00:01:00.000-04:00

The guys continue on, this time to a chemical plant. Pyro and Yoshi get used to the idea of chemotherapy as they trace their way through the hazardous materials that are just absolutely everywhere.

Rainbow AAR Episode 38 - Coming With the Fury

2011-10-08T00:01:00.000-04:00

From the subway tunnels to the streets, it's now PyroFalkon's turn to do the heavy lifting while Yoshi scouts. Pyro is always pretty good in the more urban maps, but can he deal with a marketplace filled with multiple sightlines and 40 terrorists in pursuit?

Rainbow AAR Episode 37 - Tossing Bombs Like Tom Brady

2011-10-07T00:01:00.000-04:00

Pyro gets blown away early and has to help give Yoshi recon. However, Yoshi totally steps up his game, and he starts Fastball Special-ing his way to victory.

Rainbow AAR Episode 36 - Last Train to Clarksville

2011-10-06T00:01:00.000-04:00

Who knew subways were dangerous? (Aside from mass transit commuters in New York, that is.) The guys continue their session as they push on into the dark tunnels.

Rainbow AAR Episode 35 - Military Non-Tactics

2011-10-05T00:01:00.000-04:00

The guys continue their terrorist hunt session and start to lose all semblance of actual planning and strategy. Pyro especially seems to get tunnel vision, but luckily, Yoshi is there to help cover his back... usually.

Rainbow AAR Episode 34 - So Loud

2011-10-04T00:01:00.000-04:00

The guys continue their Athena Sword session. Pyro once again decides to hell with silencers, and he rips apart a peaceful Siberian winter morning with the sound of gunfire and spent shells softly sinking into the freshly fallen snow.

WWE Hell in a Cell 2011 - Recap!

2011-10-02T23:24:00.002-04:00

So, uh, this isembarrassing… I was all set to enjoy tonight and not think about anythingbeyond wrestling when it occurred to me I sort of have to get up earlytomorrow. By which, of course, I mean I need to get up at 7:30am and getdressed for jury duty. Whoops.

I knew this was comingfor over a month, and I planned it with work and everything. But it slipped mymind until earlier today, when I had to call the jury services number and seeif the trial had been canceled. It hasn’t been, which means no drinking tonight.Unless Xenia has some rule that consuming too much alcohol for a pay-per-viewthe previous night gets you off jury duty with smiles and applause, I’m prettymuch committed to hitting the sack as soon as this is over.

So it goes. At leastit gives me a reason to dress up in my bitching suit that makes me look to beat least a 7 instead of my usual 4-rated face! Sure, I’ll be lucky if the otherjurors are even wearing pants, given that this is Ohio, but that just works in my favor. Because we all know thatbeing on a jury means that we have to look as good as possible, and ladiescan’t resist being hit on in a courthouse!

Okay, let’s get toHell in a Cell…

Pre-Segment 1: Christianhits the ring, ready to jerk the curtain against Sheamus. But then, in a momentthat was clearly inspired by My Melina and her mischievousness, the camerapicks up The Miz and R-Truth coming down to the front row, flashing theirtickets. John Laurinaitis, flanked by some Arena Security Staff, hit ringsideto throw them out.

After they are tossed and Sheamus hits the ring, thecommentators chat about how it’s illegal for them to be bounced when they havetickets, mabey. Though Michael Cole responds, “Well, I guess it’s up to thediscretion of the promoter on who can be here or not regardless of whether theyhave tickets.” BURN, Melina!

Segment 1 [SinglesMatch]: Sheamus defeats Christian by pin. Solid match but nothing special.Christian seemed a little… not buried,but underachieving. He managed to nail two Spears right after another, but thatwasn’t enough to put Sheamus away. What followed was quintuple-reverseygoodness, ending with Christian going for a third Spear. Sheamus dodged thatone, sending Christian shoulder-first into the ring post. As he stumbled back,Sheamus hit him with the Blarney Boot.

Segment 2: MattStriker tries to interview Mark Henry, who opens by doing a fairly decent“white nerd voice” to mock him. After that, it’s just a vanilla promo about howhe’s not worried about the cell despite never being in one before, becauseOrton is so totally going to join the Hall of Pain.

Pre-Segment 3: Ifthere was still any lingering doubt over who was Face Cara and who was HeelCara, it’s gone now. Heel Cara hits the ring with a slightly remixed—deeper,darker, more eerie—version of the theme song, and he gets red lighting. And ofcourse he’s got the black outfit with the red trim.

Segment 3 [SinglesMatch]: Face Cara defeats Heel Cara by pin. Good match, but probably afraction of what these guys could do. As a first act though, it worked prettywell.

What I don’t like about recapping pay-per-views is that thecrowd always sounds totally dead, just because of the side of the arenas. Thecrowd seemed interested, but it’stough to gauge just how much they actually care. Face Cara did several appealsto get the crowd clapping along, and though it worked at the time, I don’t knowhow necessary it was.

A slick spot early saw Heel try throwing Face off the ropes.Face held on, so Heel tried throwing him through the ropes on the oppositeside. Face still held on and did a one-handed forward flip, then jumped to themiddle rope, then jumped backwards with a twist, and came down with a nice armdrag. Heel oversold it appropriately, sending himself out of the ring as aresult of the momentum.

After that, Heel slowed the pace down, while thecommentators decided to try to figure out what to call them. It took them acouple minutes to settle on “Sin Cara Black” and “Sin Cara White,” until BookerT decided to call him “Sin Cara Negro,” which Cole responded with by callingFace “Sin Cara Blanco.” It took Cole’s Spanish-to-English electronic dictionaryhe just happened to have on him—i.e., the voices in their headset—before he wascorrected to “Sin Cara Azul.” Jim Ross decided to stick to English until Colepressured him.

Anyway, after that, we entered the end game with plenty ofaction. It culminated in what would be a Running Pyro’s Fantasy if My Melinawas doing it… Face hit the ropes, and Heel brought him up for a powerbomb, I guess.Face kept elevating though, balancing on Heel’s shoulders for a moment, thencoming down with a sunset flip powerbomb. Face held the pin, and that was it.

So, I guess, Face gets to call himself the “real” Sin Caranow, whatever that means.

Segment 4: CMPunk is in the back, wrapping his wrists, when David Otunga arrives. Punkalternates between “What the hell?” and “Stand still while I punch your face inits face” expressions while Otunga said that he (Otunga) so totally needs torepresent Punk. Punk doesn’t think he needs representation for anything since“I have my own voice.” Otunga isn’t so sure, but Punk dismisses him with“Besides, I hate lawyers” and theinternational shooing hand gesture.

Segment 5 [Tag Matchfor the WWE Tag Team Titles]: Air Boom defeats Jack Swagger & Dolph Ziggler(w/ Vickie Guerrero) by pin, and retains. Solid match, slightly better thanwe’d normally see on TV, but possibly not exactly a “free-per-view.” But it wasdefinitely entertaining!

Standard tag formula in effect here, with Vickie runninginterference when needed. Kofi was the face in peril, eventually getting thehot tag to Evan, who started beating the hell out of everyone. He started tosuffer to Dolph, but when Dolph went for a Fame-Asser, Evan simply stood up asDolph’s leg touched the back of his head. This sent Dolph backwards forthree-quarters of a flip, making him land flat on his back. Evan followed thatup with a standing moonsault, which looks infinitely more impressive comingfrom him than it does from Eve Torres following an ass shake of stupidity.

Evan pressed the advantage, but Jack came in to break up thepin. Kofi evened the odds, but ate a Zig Zag, sending him out of the ring.Dolph, who was illegal at this point, stayed in the ring as Jack scaled the toprope and sat in the corner. Dolph helped lift Evan off the ground, so Jack wasgoing to powerbomb or Swagger Bomb him while standing on the middle rope. Evanhad other ideas though, turning it into a huracanrana. Evan maintained thelanding to keep him pinned. Dolph was standing right there, but by then, Kofi had recovered and quickly pulledDolph mostly out of the ring. Dolph started clawing the canvas, trying to getback in to break the pin, but he just couldn’t do it.

Segment 6 [SinglesHell in a Cell Match for the World Heavyweight Title]: Mark Henry defeats RandyOrton by pin, and retains. I don’t like Henry as champion, but this neededto happen if Henry was to be anything resembling a credible one.

Above-average match here. The type helped: neither guy is atechnical marvel, so the slow, garbagey brawl here worked well. Their spotswere entertaining, if not jump-out-of-your-seat exciting. Probably as good amatch as these two guys could have done.

Mark managed to deliver a World’s Strongest Slam halfwaythrough, but Orton defended it. The end game started by Orton, who hit his ownversion of the Five Moves of Doom, including hitting Mark with his hangman’sDDT. One RKO later, he went for a pin, but Henry kicked out.

So Orton backed up and decided to use his alternatefinisher, but when he went for the Punt Kick of Doom, Mark sprang up and nailedhim with a second World’s Strongest Slam to end it.

Post-Segment 6: Afterthe match, Henry wasn’t done, so he grabbed a chair and wanted to PillmanizeOrton’s ankle. Like last time, Orton avoided it, this time by dodging.

Ah, but now we’ve got Orton Angry, so he stole the chair andsmacked Henry with it. Henry rolled out of the ring and just ran away, butOrton followed and beat the shit out him some more. With Henry down, he did akick to Orton’s knee, causing him to fall. Henry realized he hadn’t been tocatering for 15 minutes, so he immediately ran away through the back.

Orton slammed the chair to the cement. His music played outthe scene, looking awfully frustrated. Clearly, they’re not done yet… Iwouldn’t expect them to be.

Segment 7: JoshMathews interviews Alberto Del Rio in the back, who says that his title defensein a triple threat HiaC match is so totally unfair. He says he’s not an animal,but that we all know that animals are at their most dangerous when cornered.That’s what we’ll see tonight: ADR’s most dangerous side, so there.

We’ll see.

Pre-Segment 8: Herecomes Cody Rhodes in a suit, flanked by his bagmen. “If this was Halloween, andyou went out without a bag over your head, you should be figurativelyeuthanized.” Uh… do you even know what that word means, Cody?

But now to the point. Also ugly is the IntercontinentalTitle, so he dumps it in the paper bag. But then he takes out a velvet bag anddraws from it the classic IC belt,the white-leathered, slightly smaller belt. He says he’ll wear it with pride,more so than anyone else who ever held it (including Bret Hart and Stone ColdSteve Austin). And he’ll defend it against anyone, anytime, so there.

And here comes John Laurinaitis to announce that he’s hereon behalf of Triple H. Trips has immediately commanded that Cody has to defendthe title then, right now (even in his suit), against THIS man…

John Morrison? Guess that’s a win for Cody, after the Melinadebacle.

Oh well. Cody doesn’t want to, but hey: he just said hewould, so let’s do it!

Segment 8 [SinglesMatch for the Intercontinental Title]: Cody Rhodes defeats John Morrison bypin, and retains. Good match, with Cody definitely able to hang in withJoMo’s speed. Cody also did great as the chickenshit heel: early on, he wasoutside the ring and grabbed the ring post with his arms and legs, holding on for dear life like a monkey clinging to hisfavorite banana tree during a tornado. Cody won sort of out nowhere with ajumping schoolboy-ish pin. It lasted longer than I thought it would, and I’lltake it.

Segment 9: Wecome back from an anti-bullying message. Trips is blathering about something tosomeone on a phone, and Johnny Ace arrives. Trips starts to bitch him out formaking a match in his name (the Rhodes thing just now?), but Ace has a moreimportant issue. It seems Miz and Truth are back and beating the hell out ofthe tag champs.

Trips and Ace sprint through the halls and get to the lockerroom. Arena Security Staff is right behind, and help throw them out of thebuilding. Alex Riley and Ezekiel Jackson of all people arrive to check on thefallen champs, while Trips admonishes Ace for being a jerkface who didn’t getactual cops here to help keep them out of the building. If it happens again,Ace is so totally fired.

Johnny looks on for a moment. Then Trips re-enters frame,looks around, says “Damnit,” then leaves again. That… was weird.

Anyway, ignoring that, everyone in the room looks worried,especially Zeke for some reason. Naturally as a fan, I hope this means Ace ison his way out, but really, I’m assuming this is just a precursor to Ace somehowfinding a way to get deeper in.

Segment 10 [SinglesMatch for the WWE Divas Title]: Beth Phoenix (w/ Natalya) defeats Kelly Kelly(w/ Eve) by pin, and is the NEW WWE Divas Champion! Thank god the belt is off K2 finally.

Match was no better than what we see on Mondays until theend. I’ll give K2 props for at least trying (or looking like she was trying),but Beth had to do most of the work. Beth maintained offense, but K2 kicked outof all her moves, leading to Natalya to hop on the apron to get over-excited.This caused Eve to run over and try to lay her out, but Natalya countered byflinging her into the barricade. That, somehow, put Eve down forever.

Back in the ring, Beth shows the world that she can dosubmission moves too by locking Kelly in that new submission hold, which one ofmy favorite OO readers had dubbed the “Canadian Crossbow.” As Beth keeps itlocked in, Natalya decides to be a glorious bitch (in the same way that Punkersis a magnificent bastard) by grabbing a mic and taunting Kelly as she screams.

K2 ignores her and manages to get an arm loose, then sort ofsnake wiggles her way over to the bottom rope to grab it. The ref forces Bethto break the hold, but she maintains it to 4.999. This causes the ref to yellat her… and while her back is turned, Natalya bonks K2 in the head with themic. When the dust settles, Beth picks up K2’s carcass, hits the Glam Slam, andmakes the pin.

Pre-Segment 11: Themain event already? It’s only 10pm! Well, I guess after video packages andentrances, it’ll be like a quarter-after. Best case scenario is that the matchis going to go on nice and long. Worst case is that they’re going to end theshow at like 10:45pm. Here we go…

When Cena was ready to hit the ring, his pre-entrance wordswere a bunch of intensity-at-11 blathering. Can’t fault his heart, that’s forsure. After the salute, Cena started sprinting hard to the ring for his slide,only stopping at the last second to contemplate the fact that there was a cellin his way. Cena comically looked very annoyedand surprised that there was this large hunk of metal stopping him from hisnormal entrance.

Segment 11 [TripleThreat Hell in a Cell for the WWE Title]: Alberto Del Rio defeats CM Punk bypin, outlasting John Cena, and is the NEW WWE Champion! Wow, that wasunexpected.

Solid match, nothing special when we consider the HiaCstipulation. Fast action from all guys involved thanks to standard TripleThreat format (one guy rests while the other two beat the shit out of eachother). Punk was the only one to bleed during the match; it wasn’t bad—justsome blood on his ribs and elbow from going into the cage and through a table,respectively—but it was something.

The end game was signaled when Punk was down and Cenaslapped on the STF. Ricardo Rodriguez decided he needed to help out, so hegrabbed a pipe and brained the outer ref with it and stole the key. He poppedopen the door and brought in the pipe, but was cut off by Cena, who FUed him onthe mats outside the cell. That’s when ADR came out of nowhere, grabbed thepipe, beat the shit out of Cena with it, and threw him out of the cell. Thecell key was right there, so ADR grabbed it, re-chained the door, and tossedthe key under the ring.

Instantly, everyone sits up a bit because we know there’sgoing to be a new champ. Punk makes the most of it, but he can’t close thedeal. ADR finds the pipe again (no idea why he dropped it in the first place),beats the shit out of Punk with it, and even counters out of the GTS bysmacking him with it. That was the final straw, and ADR just pinned him there.

Post-Segment 11: Thecell starts to raise, and Cena slides immediately under it to start beating onADR. From the crowd comes two guys with hoodies, sliding under the cell andattacking Cena.

The cell lowers as the hoodies sorta fall off their heads,and it’s R-Truth and Miz. Triple H, John Laurinaitis, and all the refs in theworld hit the cell, but they can’t get in. Orders to the guy at the side tellshim to raise it again, but for some reason, his controls don’t work. Everyonein the universe hits the cage: all the men, all the security, all the refs, allthe Arena Security Staff, even a bunch of cops. All the non-cops begin shakingthe shit out of the cell, which makes the whole damn thing shake, which isinsane to see. John Morrison for some reason decide to try climbing it, for allthe good that was going to do him.

Meanwhile, the assault continued. One of them brought in along pipe and beat the hell out of everyone as well. Refs, cameramen, and thethree wrestlers: everyone was getting destroyed. We had a couple of extremeclose-ups as Truth blasted the second cameraman and sent him to the floor.

Finally we had Some Guy come running up with a set of boltcutters. They cut away the chain, then four cops flooded the ring while theother cops and other security held back all the wrestlers. Miz and Truthimmediately surrendered and assumed the position, getting cuffed and escortedout of the cell.

The cops and security were able to hold back the wrestlersas Miz and Truth walked up the ramp with their heads held high and cockily.That is, until Trips decided to do a Flying Ninja Socrates Punch of Lightningand Dynamite to Miz’s face. It took three cops and two huge security guys topry the COO off the heels. Once they finally did, Miz was a lot less happy andarrogant, and looked more like he was getting sent to the drunk tank.

The cops dragged the heels out of there with Trips and hisother wrestlers pressing against security, wanting to join the beatdown. Thecops held strong, so we fade out hearing Trips screaming and breathing heavilyin the heels’ general direction.

Final Thoughts: Thefinal spot was awesomely chaotic, a well-played mess of flying fists and feet.It never broke WWE’s child-friendly violence guidelines but was incrediblyexciting and chaotic, proving that “PG-rated” doesn’t have to mean “tepid andboring.”

Giving ADR the belt back was unexpected to me, but hecertainly earned it. This is by far the best match I’ve ever seen ADR in. Giventhat ADR had two guys to help him out with pacing, and given that the matchstipulation allowed some variety of spots from him, but still: it was a newside of ADR, and one I actually give half a crap about, which is more than Ican say for watching him the last 18 months.

The best part is, even removing Awesome Truth’s interferenceat the end, is that everything is so chaotic that nothing really is resolved. Cenaand Punk still have beefs, and Cena gets his automatic rematch anyway (Iguess?), so all three guys are still involved in the top title. And thenmeanwhile, we have no idea where exactly this is going; Johnny Ace is probablygoing to try to involve himself more into WWE’s management (“Trips has losttotal control!”), and that’ll probably give us some unpredictability.

For what we were presented with, the match was pretty decentoverall. There wasn’t any extreme spot, and nothing was really pay-per-view-worthyaside from the ending. However, there is one thing that cannot be overlooked…Even with the crazy ending, the PPV ended at 10:40pm. And that seriouslybothers me as it does Rick. We could easily have had another match theresomewhere. I thought all the matches tonight were well-timed and well-paced forwhat they were (even the divas’ match didn’t overstay its welcome), but wecould have had another lower-card match on there somewhere, you know?

So my overall grade is a “meh,” though the main event and itsstoryline fallout were pretty solidly executed. Not worth the $45 (thankgoodness I had a backer), but not a waste of my time.

Now I gotta run to bed. Have a good night, guys, and I’llsee you tomorrow for the RAW recap!

Pay-per-view Grade: C

Rainbow AAR Episode 33 - So Dramatic

2011-10-02T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi start up another session of Rainbow Six 3: Athena Sword. The guys are starting off with where they left off last time, the Embassy level, a remake of the first level for the original Rainbow Six. With shorter episodes and more dramatic camera angles (thanks to the guys' early demise!), the best is yet to come.

Music credit is "So Dramatic" by Jason Shaw @ audionautix.com

My Apology to the O-Zone

2011-10-01T00:01:00.000-04:00

Despite my “diet” and my general effort to get off soda, Iam not in fact a health nut. I’m overweight, but not grossly so, and I’veweighed the positives of being skinny against the positives of the taste ofcheese. Sorry abs: cheese wins.

I keep it in moderation, and being saddled with a new$65,000 debt helps me eat within my means. The other day however, I had to goto the laundromat, and near it are Subby’s and Cousin Vinny’s Pizza. I’d beenpretty good to my body this week, and I had already tried Subby’s, which featuredlettuce wetter than Kevin James’s shirt after literally any five seconds of hisstand-up “comedy” and tomatoes that may or may not have been one time made ofpure fertilizer. It also featured some crusty bread and a cheese-like substancein slice form, so it was one part Subway and about fourteen parts FarmRich.

So I figured, why not give Cousin Vinny’s a try? It’s hardto screw up pizza, and my washer still had 25 minutes to go on its cycle, so Imade the thirty-foot trip down the “strip mall.”

It was there that I learned I could never do anything as complicatedas a forensic scientist because I miss obvious clues. First off, never trust a “restaurant”that puts its entire menu on nothing but door hangers. Second, there was ahunting videogame next to the bathrooms, though admittedly that might bebecause of all the rednecks I’m surrounded by around here. Third, when you have five or six employees all making pizzas,despite the fact that the “order board” was comprised of two names with only asingle pizza each, you should probably get the hell out.

But I’m an idiot, and I decide to order… that is, once theyrealize I’m standing there after like five minutes. I place my order, which iscomprised of a single large pizza topped only with pepperoni, and an order ofbreadsticks. Oh, and two cups, since the fountain was right there and I wouldbe getting my own drinks.

The order took 35 minutes.

I take it back to the laundromat. To the pizza’s credit, itwas hot, so I put it on a table as I loaded the dryer. My friend and I then satdown to eat… until we opened the box, and noticed the pepperoni was floating onthe cheese. We looked at each other, then proceeded what Xenia High Schoolrefers to as the “Napkin Test.” (Clearly, Cousin Vinny’s anticipated this turnof events, as they gave me six hundred napkins for this specific purpose.)Simply press the napkin into your pizza slice to soak up the grease, then liftand see how translucent the napkin becomes! The better you can see through it,the less healthy it is for you. It took only five seconds for the napkin to allowlight to pass through it, and only another five seconds before the individualfibers started to fail. Another five seconds would have probably melted thenapkin in half entirely.

But once again, I’m an idiot, so I proceed to eat fourslices (two then, two for dinner). The napkins could only stem the tide of thegrease for so long like that little boy at the Holland dike, and it traveledthrough my internal organs like an air marshal through a TSA checkpoint. Iwouldn’t be gross enough to describe my trips to the bathroom, but I will saythat if my large intestines were an Olympic athlete, they became Usain Bolt.Possibly wearing rocket skates.

I’m still feeling the effects now, three days later. Pepto-Bismolhas considered buying stock in Cousin Vinny’s in an effort to keep me in theirbusiness. I have enough gas in my stomach that Sarah Palin is considering throwingme in the Pacific Ocean to start a new offshore drilling rig. And speaking ofPalin, my friend suffered severe abdominal pains like she had been a bear shotfrom a helicopter. I’m pretty sure I’ve rushed the greenhouse effect by adecade, and for that, I am truly sorry.

Rainbow AAR Episode 32 - A Quick Classic

2011-09-26T00:01:00.000-04:00

The guys take on the Embassy level, a classic map recreating the very first stage of the ORIGINAL Rainbow Six. Yoshi has things to do, so they can only have time for one attempt. Can they neutralize all 40 terrorists in only one go?

Rainbow AAR Episode 31 - A Heartbreaker

2011-09-25T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi team up to take on the player-made map Alley Strike in Rainbow Six 3. Meanwhile, Yoshi continues to share some of his thoughts about his cockroach friends.

Rainbow AAR Episode 30 - Cockroach Motel

2011-09-24T00:01:00.000-04:00

It's a new day and a new Rainbow Six session. The guys warm up on Emergency Room, but then move on to a player-made map called Alley Strike.

Rainbow AAR Episode 29 - Offensive Smoking

2011-09-23T00:01:00.000-04:00

Now that PyroFalkon realizes that smoke grenades were never banned on the server in the first place, he and Yoshi come up with a rather radical strategy for getting the bomb in the market. They must succeed.

Rainbow AAR Episode 28 - Overwatch for Explosions

2011-09-22T00:01:00.000-04:00

Looks like the guys did indeed get stuck on the final mission of the Athena Sword campaign. Pyro shows off his killer frag throwing skills here, and Yoshi keeps sniping the faces off the tangos. Teammates continue to do what they do best... that is, getting shot repeatedly by walking directly in front of snipers! Can the guys overcome the troubles and finally put an end to the threat?

Rainbow AAR Episode 27 - Free Bombs at the Market

2011-09-21T00:01:00.000-04:00

The Athena Sword campaign is only eight missions long, and the guys have arrived at the final mission in fairly short order. Hopefully this doesn't wind up being like the end mission of the core campaign, that took them multiple tries to get through!

Rainbow AAR Episode 26 - Where's the Kaboom?

2011-09-20T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi continue their co-op Athena Sword campaign, and their next couple stages involving disarming enough explosives to make the Hiroshima bomb look like a fly's fart.

WWE Night of Champions 2011 - Recap!

2011-09-19T12:32:00.000-04:00

For the third time in a row, Online Onslaught is broken due to high traffic. So I'll once again mirror my recap here, so you all can enjoy my blathering while getting results!

Note that the precap is recursive, but only because I never write them with the intent to put them on my blog. Maybe I should change that. Hmm...

Night of Championsmarks the third pay-per-view in a row that I’ve bought. (Well, given my friendis buying it for me, but you know what I mean.) I haven’t bought threepay-per-views in any given year sincethe early 2000s, back before I was writing for Online Onslaught. I’ll give youa hint why: his name stands for “Completely Magnificent.”

Speaking of me—myfourth-favorite topic—you may have noticed that Rick has kindly added somelinks to my recap templates here. If you haven’t noticed, look up. Seriously,look up.
Next to my byline. Why are you still reading this sentence, they’re up there!

Right, those links. They lead to my blog andmy YouTube channel, respectively. Right now, my blog posts are just links tothe videos, but some of my past posts are pretty fun. Like I mirrored my twoprecaps about mycheese stick adventures as a blog post. Most of my posts from May 2010 toabout April 2011 are a bit emo, but the rest of them should give you a prettygood laugh. My YouTube videos are almost all of the Let’s Play variety, whichmeans I know most of you won’t care about them, but hey: some of you will, and all of you will be entertained if youdo. And now that the links are there and you can always find the PyroFalkonMedia Empire, I can stop advertising myself! Everyone wins.

Huh. I guess if I’mever desperate for precap material, I can always just advertise myself for acouple paragraphs. Good to know.

Okay, enough. You’rehere at Online Onslaught not for me, but for professional wrestling news andreviews and recaps. And we’ve got that in spades, baby… let’s roll to Night ofChampions, which features CM Punk taking on Triple H, and Randy Orton and MarkHenry teaming up against collective apathy and goodwill!

Segment 1 [Tag Matchfor the WWE Tag Titles]: Air Boom defeats Awesome Truth by disqualification,and retain. Yes, “Awesome Truth” is the name for The Miz & R-Truth. I’mnot entirely sure I’m game for that one, but I’ll use it until it annoys me.

Solid match overall with about a half-dozen false finishesat the end; pretty exciting. Sweet move by Miz to signal the end game. Hebasically did a Stone Cold Stunner to Kofi, but rather than bringing Kofi’s jawto his shoulder, he brought Kofi’s head all the way down to the mat.

From there on, shit got completely out of control. Kofi wasin trouble, and Evan climbed the ropes. From behind the ref’s back, Evanslapped his own hands together, then jumped off to save Kofi. There was no tag,but as Miz pled this, the ref said he heardthe tag, and that was good enough.

So Evan remains in, but gets his ass beat, and Miz makes thepin. Kofi makes the save, and Miz decides to head over to tag in Truth. But this is behind the ref’s back… and he didn’t hear the tag, so he forces Truthto go back to the apron. Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale, but the ref isstill arguing with Truth about it. By the time he turns around, he counts thepin, but Evan kicks out at one.

Miz loses his mind with all these bad calls, so he bitchesout the ref. The ref continues to argue, and Miz isn’t happy with theofficiating lately, so he just punches the ref in the face. The ref isn’t ableto make a call, so the timekeeper takes it upon himself to ring the bell.

Post-Segment 1: Thefaces bail with their belts, and the ref finally gets to his feet… just to haveMiz shove him back down. Truth pulls Miz back, then helps the ref up… just toslap him down again. The heels throw a tantrum, and we go to commercial. In apay-per-view.

Segment 2: Mizand Truth are WALKING~!, and trying to restrain each other from flipping outand yelling. Matt Striker appears to try to get in some words, reminding themthat beating up a ref can lead to fines or suspensions. Truth insists that hewasn’t beating up a ref, but one of Triple H’s conspirators. Striker asks whatif Trips disagrees with that, but Miz points out that Trips may not be the COOanymore after tonight anyway.

Segment 3 [SinglesMatch for the Intercontinental Title]: Cody Rhodes defeats Ted DiBiase by pin,and retains. Given their history, I’m amazed this match was so tepid. Itwas technically sound, but not exactly proficient. The crowd seemed pretty deaduntil the end, when Ted ripped Cody’s mask off him. Ted tried to smack Codywith it, which probably would have drawn the DQ, except that Cody ducked it andquickly gave him an illegal pin. The ref didn’t see the handful of tights, madethe three-count, and that was it.

Segment 4: Christianhits the ring to talk. He laments that he’s not got his “one more shot,” but heso totally deserves it because he’s a 17-year veteran and has done some kickass matches in the past. In fact, Christian deserves to take on the winner ofOrton/Henry immediately after they’re done!

Christian manages to manipulate the crowd to chant “One morematch!” to support him despite most people booing him two seconds before.Sheamus’s music cuts the chant, and he hits the ring in jeans, an untuckeddress shirt, and a shiny purple and black vest. Someone gets this man to Men’sWarehouse, now!

Sheamus hits the ring and says that he would give his UncleFargas’s lucky green testicle to compete tonight. After that sinks in,Christian says that at least he has thetesticles to stand up for what he wants, in this case, one more match.

Sheamus shrugs and says, huh, maybe he’s right. So ifSheamus helps him get it, he gets to be the first one for a title shot.Christian agrees, so Sheamus now leads the crowd in a chant of “One morematch!”… until Christian turns his back, at which point Sheamus preps theBlarney Boot. Christian eats it, the fans cheer, and Sheamus shrugs. I’mshrugging too: I’m game for Christian and Sheamus feuding, but was this reallynecessary?

Segment 5 [FatalFour-Way for the United States Title]: Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero)defeats John Morrison by pin, outlasting Jack Swagger and Alex Riley, andretains. Solid match, and so far match of the night. Stories deepen betweenthe manager triangle between Dolph, Jack, and Vickie. Good action and a fastpace from bell to bell.

There was a sweet spot that I’m going to try to describe here, but you probablyhave to see it. Dolph was sitting on the top rope in the southwest corner, andJoMo went up after him. Dolph shoved him, but JoMo hooked his feet, so he fellinto the tree of woe. Alex ran in then, jumped over John to take John’s position (though he nearly missed andsmashed into John). John then did a military crunch, grabbed Alex from behind,and did a super powerbomb as he resumed (and rolled out of) the tree of woe.Crazy.

From there was the end game, rapid action that I can’t beginto describe, except that it was chaotic fun. Swagger did most of the work,getting Alex out of the ring and finishing by hitting JoMo with the SwaggerBomb. But as he went for the pin, Dolph came out of nowhere and shoved Jacknearly out of the ring to make the actual pin.

Segment 6: JoshMathews interviews Mark Henry in the back, who says that he’s so totally goingto take out his 15 years of frustration on Randy Orton tonight. And becauseJosh is a jerk, he should come out and interview the new World Heavyweight Champion after the match.

Segment 7: Vickieis WALKING~! and Striker interviews her. She basically puts herself over sinceit’s so totally due to her managerial skills that Dolph won. So if Trips loses,she would be awesome as the COO! Andto prove it, she Frenches Striker for no reason, then does the InternationalBroad Gesture for “Call me,” except she does it to the camera man. Does thatmean she now knows Striker is such a bad kisser, she’ll take literally anyone over him? And why can’t My Melinamake me that offer?

Segment 8 [SinglesMatch for the World Heavyweight Title]: Mark Henry defeats Randy Orton by pin,and is the NEW WWE World Heavyweight Champion! …Ugh. So yeah, thishappened. Michael Cole blathers that all the haters and critics are assholesand now are eating crow. Except, uh, that still doesn’t make him good, you know?

There was one interesting spot here, with Orton actuallyhitting his Hangman’s DDT on Mark, which is not an insignificant move. Otherthan that, it was all punchy-kicky, and slowpunchy-kicky at that. Orton whiffed on two RKOs, and on his second whiff,he stagger right into Mark’s waiting arms, who hit him with a World’s StrongestSlam.

Post-Segment 8: Joshis in the ring after replays. He wants to interview Mark, but Mark steals themic and whines and bitches that we’re all haters, and that we totally wouldn’thave believed that he could have won, so we’re not allowed to cheer him. (Noworries there, buddy.) And we don’t deserve to hear him make an acceptancespeech, but, uh, I guess he’s doing it anyway. He says he’ll take on all comersand he’ll never lose it, because we’re all now in his House of Pain.

Well. My congratulations to Mark Henry, with no sarcasm.I’ll always stand by my opinion that he doesn’t deserve it based on seniorityalone (and he damn sure doesn’t deserve it by talent), but hey: I’m not a“hater.” If that’s what the WWE “Creative” Team wants to do, good for them andhim. Meanwhile, I’ll be continuing to ignore him.

Segment 9: AlbertoDel Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez are WALKING~! with John Laurinaitis. The heelscomplain about their tag match last week on RAW, losing to Bret Hart and JohnCena. Funkman insists it was totally Triple H’s idea to make that match, so notto blame him.

Enter Punkers from stage left, who does a bit of bantering,ending with Funky telling him “good luck… and I mean it, because I’m the VP ofTalent Relations.” Punk responds, “Oh, so that’s ‘good luck’ as in ‘good luckin all your future endeavors’?”

Punk walks away with a smirk. John ignores him… then hestarts sending a text message. Uh oh.

Segment 10 [SinglesMatch for the WWE Divas Title]: Kelly Kelly (w/ Eve) defeats Beth Phoenix (w/Natalya) by pin, and retains. Decent match, surprisingly enough. It wasn’texactly good, but K2 actually heldher own, for the first goddamn time in forever.

One high spot saw Beth doing a superplex off the top rope,with both girls standing on the ropes. K2 didn’t land it clean, hitting herheels and feet first on the canvas. She was okay, though I’m pretty sure she’staking an ice bath tonight.

Beth was in her hometown by the way, so most of the crowdwas in her favor, which I enjoyed seeing. But it wasn’t enough: despite getting beaten for pretty much the wholematch, K2 was able to roll out of an attempted Glam Slam and turn it into avictory roll. Beth almost cried after the match as Natalya comforted her, whileK2 just ran like a little bitch with her title in tow. Why is she the face,again?

Pre-Segment 11: Soit’s time for ADR’s entrance. After a minute though, he comes out walking,pissed off. He gets in the ring, demanding to know where his keys went for hiscar.

And then we hear an engine roar, followed by Cena’s music.Guess Superwigger isn’t above grand theft auto, but I have to admit: that was acute little interaction between them.

Justin Roberts tried to make the boxing-style entrances, butADR didn’t want to hear “my beautiful name” pronounced with Justin’s stupidAmerican accent. So Ricardo Rodriguez does his thing, then gives Justin backthe mic.

But wait, Cena has something to say. He cuts a cheap heatpromo for ADR (“You think you’re better than all these people!”), then giveshimself an overly flowery introduction that’s more confusing and stupid thanintense. That whole thing was a waste of three minutes between them.

Segment 11 [SinglesMatch for the WWE Title]: John Cena defeats Alberto Del Rio by submission, andis the NEW WWE Champion! My guest Rachel—my heroine for buying thepay-per-view—decided to celebrate the match and give it the attention itdeserved by sitting on the couch with her back to the TV and popping her toesfor an endorphin rush. Clearly, she was having more fun than I was for thefirst 99% of the match.

Surprising spot near the end, with Cena climbing up theropes for probably his wacky leg drop. ADR decided to bust out his notes hetook on the JoMo match. He had been down, but he popped up, jumped to plant hisright foot on the top rope (from thefrickin’ canvas), then did a flash kick to Cena’s temple while up there. It wasincredibly fast and precise, made even wilder by ADR’s size. Crazy.

A bit later, Cena did one of his common-but-amazing feats ofcrazy strength. ADR tried to get Cena in the cross-legged arm breaker, but Cenablocked it by standing and grabbing his own hand. So basically, ADR was holdingCena’s hands with his legs around his arms. From there, Cena frickin’ dead-lifted him up to come down with apowerbomb. Sick.

Cena followed that up with an FU. RR, who had beenpreviously ejected from ringside, decided to come on down and help out. Cenaflattened him, then quickly ran over to ADR and slapped on the STF. ADR, to hiscredit and unlike the other billion opponents of Superwigger, actually foughtit and resisted tapping for as long as he could. He couldn’t hold out foreverthough, and being in the middle of the ring, he had no choice.

Cena celebrated for the next three hours, including hangingout with someone in the front row who made, I shit you not, a six-foot-tallposter of just Cena’s head and face.It was absolutely frightening, and the stuff nightmares were made of. Cena alsoplayed with a fan on the other side of the ring, giving her his arm band (andmoistening her panties as a result). Meanwhile, some dumbass who is clearlyfrom Brooklyn got in Cena’s face and screamed something negative, something ofwhich got bleeped (I think it was “You suck, you do the same old shit, fuckyou,” if I can read lips.) That image right there encapsulates Cena: some hotbrunette with a nice rack is getting her panties moistened by the same guy whois causing some douchebag New Yorker to develop instant Tourette’s Syndrome.

Michael Cole tries to announce that Cena is now a ten-time WWE Champion. Which is great,except the best part is Cole is losing his voice entirely, doing a perfectalbeit unintentional impression of Johnny Ace. I was curious about how manytimes Cena had won it, and now my prayers have been answered twice: I now knowthe answer, and Cole can’t talk anymore!

Segment 12 [No-CountOut / No-Disqualification Singles Match, if Triple H loses he resigns as ChiefOperating Officer]: This one deserves a proper recap.

We start off with Punk attacking Trips from behind after hiswater spit, so the fight just immediately spilled to the outside, where theguys basically used every square inch of the east half of ringside. Thecommentators were sent packing pretty early, and the table was torn apart in arecord-setting ten seconds.

The guys finally got in the ring, and I guess it officially started at that point, though there wasn’t abell. Things settled down into a brawl-ish pro wrestling match, so it wasn’tjust punchy-kicky, but it was all running knees and shoulder blocks.

Trips finally got control when he was in the corner, andPunkers went for a flying knee but missed and flew over the top rope. Tripsthen proceeded to slam Punk’s kneecap intothe ring post twice before resuming the fight against the barricade. After someback-and-forth—which saw Punk doing his running knee to Trips’s face whileTrips was leaning against the ring apron—Trips flung Punk over the barricadeand into the first row.

From there, the fight went through the crowd and to thestage and got pretty garbagey. Literally, actually: Punk at one point grabbedone of the big rubber trash cans in the crowd and smashed Trips in the facewith it.

They fought around the stage for a bit, but then got back tothe ring, where Punk found all sorts of treasures under the ring. He introduceda chair and set it in the ropes on the corner, but Trips countered and threw him into it. From there, Trips wishbonedPunk against the ring post, then bashed Punk’s knee with a chair against the post. Shit.

Punk managed to get out of that and mounted Trips on thetable. Then, because Punk decided that gravity is a pussy, he headed up to thetop rope and did an insane flying elbow drop, though the way he was flailinghis arms in midair, he probably was wanting to take it back immediately. Tripstook the move clean, though Punk came out with a sore knee and arm.

The guys managed to drag themselves back to the ring, butthen Miz and R-Truth hit the ring and started beating the hell out both guys.The ref couldn’t do anything, so we saw the assault go on, including seeingTrips eat the Skull Crushing Finale, and Punk eat the Lie Detector. The heelsput Punk’s corpse over Trips’s corpse, then ordered the ref to count. The refdidn’t want to, but he went ahead with it… but Trips kicked out.

Miz shoved the ref, but the ref wouldn’t take that shit. Miz followed up with a punch,but the referee blocked it and threw apunch of his own. I have never seenthat, and it was mind-blowingly awesome.

Sadly, Truth attacked him from behind, and they shoved himout of the ring. Johnny Ace then hit ringside, calling for someone in the back.Punk and Trips recovered by now, beat the shit out of the heels and tossed themfrom the ring. (That poor original ref… Punk threw Truth over the ropes andonto him!) But then Trips managed to figure out what the hell happened, and hePedigreed Punk to make the cover.

Ah, here comes a second ref, but Johnny Ace cuts him off andforces him to check on the fallen one. Trips gets up to bitch out Johnny, butPunk eventually gets up and hits him with a GTS and makes the cover. That’s when Johnny lets the second refin to make the count, but Truth recovers and makes the save. Yes, Truth recovered, though he paid with itwith a punch to the face.

Things sorta settle down after that. Miz and Truth leave,and Johnny starts texting someone. Punk meanwhile comes off the top rope forsome sort of double axe handle, but Trips kicks him in the gut and follows upwith a Pedigree, the second one of the night! One… two… No, Punk kicks out!

And here comes Kevin Nash through the crowd. He walks overthe barricade, beats the shit out of everyone, and hits Punk with theJackknife. Trips fell out of the ring at some point, so Nash followed him outand (gently?) cleaned off the English announce table. Then he went for Trips toJackknife him through the table… except Trips found Sweet Lady Sledge andpretty much replaced Kevin Nash’s memories with steel alloy and polished wood.

Trips then got back in the ring as Punk tried to get up fromthe Jackknife. With Punk vulnerable, Trips hit him with the third Pedigree. No one is getting upfrom that combined with a Jackknife powerbomb.

Your winner after30-ish minutes: Triple H by pin. Very good match, not workrate-wise ofcourse, but good lord did that ever entertain. Punk continues to remain gold,and maybe, just maybe, Miz gets promoted too back to playing with the maineventers now? Or am I reading too much into that. Either way, I haven’t seen aschmozy ending executed that well for a long, long time.

Final Thoughts: Iwas kind of surprised they let Trips/Punk on last at first—I figured it wouldbe between the two title matches—but clearly they had a good reason.

We end at about a quarter-till 11, making me wonder if wehad cut Cena’s stupidity and a little from the video montages (not to mentionthe commercials), we could have either had another match or… well, I was goingto say “or extend one of the other matches,” but truth be told, all the matcheswere either paced right or already went too long. Although, even Orton/Henrydidn’t feel too bad.

Ah, actually, Rachel reminded me of Cody/Ted. Yeah, that onecould have been cut. Blech.

Anyway, the point is, the night was actually overall kindabland, but good lord did the main event make up for it. We have stories writingthemselves, possible promotions for Miz and Truth, and no match was reallyoffensive. Hell, neither Cody/Ted nor Orton/Henry was bad, just boring as hell.

The rest of the night was bizarre. Cena gets his belt backwhile Mark Henry gets a belt I don’t think he deserves, and everyone elseretains. For the most part, I’m not entirely sure that gives much momentum tostories, teams, or feuds. Air Boom is riding momentum, but K2, Cody, and Jackdon’t gain anything by retaining (and the former continues to marginalize thewomen’s division into a joke, unless we’ve got Act II coming for Beth andNatalya being the CM Punk of the women’s division). RAW will be interesting,true, but honestly, the main thing I’m looking forward to with SD is theCara/Cara debacle.

Okay, that’s it from me. I’ll be around tomorrow with theRAW recap, so stayed tuned to Online Onslaught! (I wonder if that phrase will ever go out of vogue since no one under 16even knows what “tuned in” actually means anymore?)

Pay-per-view Grade:C- (overall), A (main event)

Rainbow AAR Episode 25 - Another F**king Hotel?!

2011-09-19T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon is still suffering PTSD from the guys' last adventure in a hotel, the final stage of the core campaign. Now, here in the Athena Sword campaign, it seems they're going to have to raid yet another hotel. Can't Pyro just get a room, hook up with a hot Brazilian model, and take a mini-vacation here?

Rainbow AAR Episode 24 - Hostage Party

2011-09-18T00:01:00.000-04:00

The guys continue through the Athena Sword campaign. Their next stage takes so long that it gets its own episode, but only because of the approach they used.

Rainbow AAR Episode 23 - Expansion Campaign Begins

2011-09-17T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi have installed Athena Sword, the expansion pack to Rainbow Six 3: RavenShield. Neither has taken on the campaign before, so they decide that their first experience with it should be in co-op for your enjoyment!

Rainbow AAR Episode 22 - Rainbow Recon

2011-09-16T00:01:00.000-04:00

It's been a long session, and it's starting to show. The guys get sloppy, and they wind up having trouble dealing with their guns. Luckily, their omniscient scouting can often lead to results when their bullets fail them.

Rainbow AAR Episode 21 - Businessmen from Hell

2011-09-15T00:01:00.000-04:00

The guys are finally making some progress on their map rotation. Oddly enough, their next matches seem to be against nothing but guys in suits who are packing some automatic weapons under their ties.

Rainbow AAR Episode 20 - Change of Plans

2011-09-14T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi continue their non-smoking Terrorist Hunt session, this time a little wiser and with AI Backup. But it seems that if the terrorists aren't shooting them and causing them grief, technical problems are.

Rainbow AAR Episode 19 - Misery Loves Company

2011-09-13T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi still can't get through the Prison stage in their no-smokes Terrorist Hunt session, so they call in some allies to help them out. Things look far more optimistic finally!

Rainbow AAR Episode 18 - Pyro Drops the Soap

2011-09-12T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi continue their no-smoking Terrorist Hunt session, still working on the Prison level. Pyro starts to lose his sanity, which doesn't really help the situation, especially when he starts to get distracted by brownies.

Rainbow AAR Episode 17 - Noobs At Play

2011-09-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi continue their Terrorist Hunt session without the benefit of smoke grenades. Somehow, they do even worse this time around.

Rainbow AAR Episode 16 - Thank You For Not Smoking

2011-09-10T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi team up to take on 40 terrorists, this time banning themselves from using smoke grenades. Clearly, it wasn't their best idea.

LP Age of Empires 2 - Ep 4 - Feeling Blue

2011-09-09T00:01:00.000-04:00

Red is dead, and the blue-colored AI is fighting a desperate last stand! Can the guys end the match now, or are they doomed to suffer one last counterattack?

Opening theme is "Remember the Heroes" by Jason Shaw @ audionautix.com

LP Age of Empires 2 - Ep 3 - Surgical Strikes

2011-09-08T00:01:00.000-04:00

The enemies have been beating the guys senseless so far, but it's time to counterattack. Pyro and Yoshi think they have the solution, and they look forward to taking the fight to those jerks on the north side of the map.

Opening theme is "Remember the Heroes" by Jason Shaw @ audionautix.com

LP Age of Empires 2 - Ep 2 - The Age of Confusion

2011-09-07T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi continue their test match of Age of Empires 2: The Conquerors. The guys finally start to remember their old tactics, but one of them seems to be having an easier time remembering than the other...

Opening theme is "Remember the Heroes" by Jason Shaw @ audionautix.com

LP Age of Empires 2 - Ep 1 - Remembering the Past

2011-09-06T00:01:00.001-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi play a test match of Age of Empires 2: The Conquerors, trying to remember how to play the damn game since they haven't played it in something like forever and a day.

Opening theme is "Remember the Heroes" by Jason Shaw @ audionautix.com

Rainbow AAR Episode 15 - Eye Exam

2011-09-05T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon solos a trio of stages to test how his new glasses are affecting his vision. The results may surprise you!

Rainbow AAR Episode 14 - Room Service

2011-09-04T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi team up to take on the campaign of Rainbow Six 3: RavenShield in co-op mode. They were stopped in the last attempt, so can they neutralize Gospic and his cronies this time and bring peace to the world once again?

Rainbow AAR Episode 13 - Early Check Out

2011-09-03T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi team up to take on the campaign of Rainbow Six 3: RavenShield in co-op mode. The guys take on the final stage in this episode.

Rainbow AAR Episode 12 - Pimping Their Ride

2011-09-02T00:01:00.002-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi team up to take on the campaign of Rainbow Six 3: RavenShield in co-op mode. The guys take on stages 13 and 14 in this episode.

Rainbow AAR Episode 11 - Homecoming

2011-09-01T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi team up to take on the campaign of Rainbow Six 3: RavenShield in co-op mode. They take on stages 10 through 12 in this episode.

Rainbow AAR Episode 10 - Running Ninjas

2011-08-31T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi team up to take on the campaign of Rainbow Six 3: RavenShield in co-op mode. They take on stages 8 through 10 in this episode.

Rainbow AAR Episode 9 - Beating the Odds

2011-08-30T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi team up to take on the campaign of Rainbow Six 3: RavenShield in co-op mode. You'll see stages 5 through 7 here.

Rainbow AAR Episode 8 - Pro At Explosions

2011-08-29T00:01:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi team up to take on the campaign of Rainbow Six 3: RavenShield in co-op mode. This episode covers stages 4 and 5.

Rainbow AAR Episode 7 - Co-op Campaign Begins

2011-08-27T23:58:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi team up to take on the campaign of Rainbow Six 3: RavenShield in co-op mode. In this episode, the guys slaughter stages 1 through 3.

Rainbow AAR Episode 6 - Overcoming Adversity (and Bullets to the Face)

2011-08-16T23:45:00.002-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi continue trying to get through the garage. It's bad enough these jerks charged us $400 for an oil change, and I think they mentioned something about an extra tax for headlight fluid. We'll get to the bottom of this eventually.

Rainbow AAR Episode 5 - The Many Faces of Failure

2011-08-16T21:56:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi attempt to clear out a garage. Stress on the word "attempt."

Rainbow AAR Episode 4 - Smokes For Everyone!

2011-08-16T19:56:00.002-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi take on two maps here, finishing off the bunker and having fun in a player-made map called Aim Arena. We're silent like ninjas... theoretically.

Rainbow AAR Episode 3 - It's Called a "Bunker" for a Reason

2011-08-16T16:27:00.003-04:00

After playing around in a sniper's paradise, PyroFalkon and Yoshi attempt to breach a bunker in which 40 terrorists are enjoying their "security." They didn't know that RAINBOW has sent in a two-man team to take them out! Although, clearly, they didn't have too much to worry about...

Rainbow AAR Episode 2 - SATSing Like a Pro

2011-08-16T13:56:00.000-04:00

PyroFalkon and Yoshi continue through the training level of Rainbow Six 3, as well as clear out some angry businessmen from a hospital emergency room.

Rainbow AAR Episode 1 - Training Day

2011-08-16T11:30:00.002-04:00

PyroFalkon and his usual Rainbow partner, Yoshi, take on 40 terrorists in the training level while bantering like idiots. It's fun for the whole family (that enjoys light profanity)!

The tiny bit of music at the end is "Time Tunnel" from Neopets.

SummerSlam 2011 - Recap!

2011-08-14T23:08:00.002-04:00

Once again, Online Onslaught is down due to the heavy traffic. I'll mirror my recap here in the meantime.

Oh yeah, baby! I’ve got pizza, I’ve got the ingredients for Orange Russians, and I’ve got the next three days off. Oo-rah!

Thanks to my favorite sports show, Pardon the Interruption, I know that I can wish a happy (belated) birthday to Hulk Hogan, since I know he so totally reads Online Onslaught every day. Michael Wilbon said that Hulk “is arguably the most famous professional wrestler ever,” and I’m curious how that’s even remotely “arguable.” Granted he’s not even close to the best technical wrestler ever, or the best ANYTHING wrestler ever, but “most famous”? Even The Rock is less recognizable—especially by name—than the Hulkster.

I don’t have much more to talk about, so let’s get to it!

Opening: Someone thought it was a good idea to have the lead guitarist from Tool play the national anthem on an electric guitar. That same person needs to be stabbed in the asshole with the American flag.

Pre-Segment 1: Here comes The Miz to open the show. Michael Cole creams his thong as Miz tries (unsuccessfully) to pop the crowd with a cheap pop of excitement… er, either that, or they’re in an extra-large arena that’s producing stadium-like acoustics. Miz says that he wants to thank everyone for demanding he is part of SummerSlam.

He’s interrupted by R-Truth, who says he hates spiders because they start with the letter “S,” like “SummerSlam.” He also hates the letter C, as in Cee Lo Green singing or whatever tonight (I guess he’s in attendance? I dunno), and “conspiracy” also starts with “C,” and that’s why he hates spiders.

Did you follow that? I sure as hell didn’t, and I haven’t even started drinking yet.

Everyone else involved in the opening match makes their entrances without extra-curriculars, and now we get to…

Segment 1 [6-Man Tag Match]: Rey Mysterio, John Morrison, & Kofi Kingston defeat R-Truth, The Miz, & Alberto Del Rio by pin. Solid match, good stuff for the curtain jerker, would make a good main event on Friday nights. Standard extended formula, with two Face In Peril spots, starting with JoMo getting his ass kicked by the heels. Nothing noteworthy there beyond typical JoMo flippy stuff.

Miz had a new move late to signal the second FIP spot. After hooking Kofi’s head and dropping down, it looked like Miz wanted to do a snap mare. Kofi either didn’t know what was going on, slipped, or they decided to make it just look painful… whatever the reason, Kofi’s head was jerked down and got his neck struck into Miz’s shoulder, but Miz kept going and slammed Kofi’s face into the canvas. So really, it was more than anything like a Stone Cold Stunner, except rather than Kofi’s head snapping back, it just kept going forward. Pretty slick, I hope Miz keeps it as a setup move.

The finish is almost impossible to describe in text, but basically involved each of the faces doing some sort of high angle something-or-other. JoMo took out ADR outside the ring by doing a canvas-to-floor vaulting spinning crossbody. Kofi did an absurd high-angle vaulting springboard crossbody that went canvas-to-floor on Miz. Rey, legal at the time, hit Truth with the 619 and followed up with a high suicide dive off the top rope in the corner. Pin, and done.

Segment 2: CM Punk is in the back, and John Laurinaitis is there, demanding an apology for taking the roundhouse kick in the temple. Punk gives the most insincere, sarcastic apology of all time, then makes a nice angry face.

Then who should appear but Stephanie McMahon herself! She says she’s here to actually wish Punk luck, as does Vince McMahon too. Punk calls bullshit, but she insists that that’s the only reason she’s here, even though she’s “just a clueless daughter.” Punk replies: “I didn’t call you clueless… I called you idiotic.”

She nods and lets it roll off her back, then offers her hand. Punk looks between her face and her hand for a moment, then answers, “No thanks. I would, but, uh, I know where that hand’s been.” Heh.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Mark Henry defeats Sheamus by countout. Holy shit, Orange Russians taste way better with heavy whipping cream than half & half. Land O’ Lakes for the win, baby.

Why am I talking about my drink rather than the match? Do I really need to explain?

The last spot featured Henry holding Sheamus in the World’s Strongest Slam position outside the ring in the southwest corner. But rather than an actual slam, Henry first smashes him back-first into the ring post, then through the corner of the barricade. This sent the Arena Security Staff guy flying, and one dude in the front row—who absolutely had to be a plant—absolutely lost his shit and acted like this was the most heinously heinous (HEINOUS~!) act in the history of violence across the nation. Moron.

Sheamus didn’t make it back to the ring, so he lost. But Henry immediately left, and Sheamus did get back in about the “12” count. So clearly, he’s still got something left in the tank, and obviously the feud goes on.

Segment 4: Christian is interviewed the back, but doesn’t really say anything, other than how so totally confident he is that he’ll beat Randy Orton tonight.

Segment 5: Goddamn, this is good. Seriously, like, I used some off-brand orange juice, Amaretto, diluted vodka (because I’m a pussy lightweight who gets tipsy off one light beer if I drink it within a half-hour), and Land O’ Lakes heavy whipping cream. I made it way better this time around.

RRROOOSSSAAA!!! She’s dancing along with Cee Lo Brown, who’s been “singing” “well” to “everyone’s” “excitement” for the last ten minutes. The Bellas and Alicia Fox are with her as well, and the DJ looks like My Melina. At least I think she does.

This segment was bracketed by commercials. BRACKETED!!! Because I guess WWE needs more money than the $45 I dropped on this?

Segment 6 [Singles Match for the Divas Title]: Kelly Kelly (w/ Eve) defeats Beth Phoenix (w/ Natalya) by pin, and retains. Lame. About the most interesting thing was, at the end, Beth had K2 on her shoulders in an electric chair drop-like position, and started to pull down her pants while on her shoulders. Even though K2’s belt came undone, nothing else happened: Beth changed angles and tried a Glam Slam, but K2 rolled through into a victory roll and, uh, that did it.

Cut Scene: Stephanie is seen walking out of John Cena’s locker room, looking concerned. Hm…

Segment 7: Truth is somewhere in the back, talking to himself… and he turns, and he’s actually not talking to himself, but to “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart! Hart puts himself over and says that Truth needs to “think big” and have someone—like him—help him out and avoid conspiracies. Truth says: “That’s right! I need to think big, and not little, Jimmy!” Then he freaks out since he realizes what he just said, and he’s all, “Little Jimmy? Wait… are you Little Jimmy???”

Hart bails, and Truth walks away muttering to himself, turning to scream “What are you looking at?” off-camera. The camera pans, and we see that it’s Metta World Peace, better known as NBA star Ron Artest. That was random.

Segment 8 [Single Match]: Wade Barrett defeats Daniel Bryan by pin. Solid match technically speaking, but nothing any better than what we would have seen on Fridays. Back-and-forth action from start to finish, but Daniel Bryan was unable to keep on the Labelle Lock at the end. Once Wade got out of it (by grabbing the bottom rope), he found himself on the top rope in the corner. He shook the ropes though, and DB was crotched on the top rope. Wade came off with a flying lariat, sending DB to the canvas in testicular agony. Wade quickly hit the Wasteland, and that was that.

Pre-Segment 9: Time for the World Heavyweight Title match. Christian hits the ring first and has his super amazing announcement! In his corner is his super bestest friend in the universe, Edge!!!

Wow, Christian may not have turned, but that gets tons of cheers! Edge, sporting a new haircut, hits the ring and gives Christian a bromance hug from Heaven. Edge’s outfit—a flannel shirt and jeans—isn’t an accident by the way: that’s his outfit from his new character “Dwight” on a TV show no one’s heard of called Haven.

Edge takes the mic and says that setting off the pyros was totally badass… but he reminds everyone that the docs have said he can’t compete for WWE ever again, ever. But here’s the thing… when he left, he was happy, because he thought he passed the torch to Christian. And he was proud of Christian for “kicking down that door” and getting that World Heavyweight Title.

Here’s the thing though… Edge agrees that it wasn’t fair that Teddy Long made him defend his title after only five days. But Christian complained the week after that… and after that… and after that… and so on and so on. Christian whined until he got his rematch, and he won it, sure… but by DQ? What a pussy! Edge may have done some heinous (HEINOUS~!) things in the ring, but at least he did it with style and panache, rather than hiding behind lawyers.

Edge says that Christian became a disgrace to himself. He’ll always be Christian’s best friend, but “I didn’t know my best friend would become a whining crying little bitch.” Edge drops the mic and just fucking leaves as Christian throws a temper tantrum in the ring. Guess you’ll be alone tonight, huh buddy?

Segment 9 [Singles No Holds Barred Match for the World Heavyweight Title]: Randy Orton defeats Christian by pin, and is the NEW World Heavyweight Champion! Solid match, fairly entertaining, but a spot-fest and one that words won’t really do justice. Weapons were involved, and Christian was put through the Spanish Announce Table by RKO.

No excessive high spot though, but the ending sequence was slick. Christian took all the damage at the end, first being sent from the apron through a table sitting at ringside on the west side. After that, as Christian was counting the bone chips in his back, Orton headed out and started chucking every weapon in the world into the ring, including the bottom half of the steel steps.

The steps, it turned out, was the important part. As Christian started to get in the ring, Orton did his Hangman’s DDT, planting Christian’s face into a trash can. Christian crawled over to the nearest corner while Orton went to the far corner, with the steps between them. Orton wanted to hit Christian with the RKO using the steps, but Christian countered by quickly finding and swinging a kendo stick. Christian wanted to follow up, so he quickly climbed the near corner, then came flying off with a high angle crossbody over the aforementioned steps. However, Orton snagged Christian out of the air and finally nailed that RKO onto the steps. Goodnight, Gracie.

Cut Scene: Stephanie has some hushed words with Triple H, decked out in his stripes, as we kick it to a recap of the Punk/Cena feud.

Segment 10 [Singles Match to unify the WWE Championship, Triple H is the guest referee]: CM Punk defeats John Cena by pin, and is the UNDISPUTED WWE Champion! Solid match, though not as good as their epic MITB bout. Back-and-forth action with a long feeling out sequence, eventually settling down after 15 minutes.

Fun spot near the end, where Cena found himself out of the ring after being booted out. Punk then did a suicide through the ropes, taking Cena out, and they piled up together near the barricade. Trips started his count, and amazingly got to nine with neither guy showing signs of life. So Trips said fuck it, left the ring, threw both guys in the ring, then screamed at both of them to get the hell up. Ha!

That signaled the end game, which featured back-and-forth from there on out. Each guy tried a finisher but couldn’t seal the deal, and Cena even delivered a perfect dropkick directly to Punk’s face; it wasn’t a magical move, but it was new from Cena.

They had a brief rest as Punk took some offense, but when he tried to do a top rope something-or-other, Cena caught him in midair and dropped him into the STF. Punk powered through and took the bottom rope to break it.

From there, Cena was going to follow up with his standard FU, but Punk wiggled out. Punk then started up for the GTS, but Cena wiggled out. Cena then hit the FU clean. One, two…

No! Punk kicks out, and the guys get another brief rest as Cena actually argues with Trips. Cena then goes to the top rope, goes for his high angle leg drop, but Punk rolls out of the way. He lands bad, looking like he snapped his ankle or something. Cena grabs his hammy though, and he pops up… directly into Punk’s waiting arms for a GTS. One, two… No!

Punk also argues with Trips, but he gets his head out of his ass long enough to hit Macho Elbow Drop clean. But he still only gets two, and he starts to bitch out Trips (as the crowd gives a nice “Randy Savage!” chant) for a bit longer. Cena tries a school boy pin in the process, but doesn’t manage to steal it.

Back-and-forth punchy-kicky from there, but Punk hits a (shitty) GTS. Cena gets a foot on the rope… but Trips doesn’t see it! Count of three, and that’s it!

After the match, Cena bitched out Trips politely, with the camera mics saying “you missed it, man” before finally leaving. Trips shrugged, and Punk celebrated with his title.

After doing a victory lap, Punk got in the ring. Trips applauded him, and offered his hand. Punk refused to shake it, but Trips rolled with it and just held up Punk’s hand in victory. Punk looked conflicted and confused, but… Whatever. Punk continues to celebrate, and we’re done as—

Post-Segment 10: KEVIN NASH??? The hell? Here comes Diesel, he beats the shit out of Punk, hits the Jackknife Powerbomb, and leaves. Triple H saw all this from the stage and starts to head down to the ring, but by the time he gets there, Diesel has booked it through the crowd.

And here comes Alberto Del Rio with a different referee in tow.

Segment 11 [Singles Match for the WWE Championship]: Alberto Del Rio squashes CM Punk by pin, and is the NEW WWE Champion! One running enziguri and a pin.

Triple H looked the most confused as things settled down from that. He sorta half-argued with the ref, but hey: fair is fair, and ADR becomes the latest man to cash in the MITB briefcase to become the new WWE Champion.

Final Thoughts: Well, huh… I expected shenanigans, but not from ADR. Maybe I was being too hopeful though, really, thinking The Rock or someone would show up. I admit that Kevin Nash—sporting his classic crazy-dark hair dye—was a goofy surprise, and I’m curious how this is going to shake out. Trips looked truly surprised, so this probably isn’t a situation of “The Clique” reforming and being all conspiratorial like R-Truth likes to say.

Plus, we have the Cena situation. Does Cena get a rematch? Does Punk get a rematch? Will Rey face ADR tomorrow? Is there a nice cheap five-dollar pair of sunglasses in San Diego for Diesel tomorrow? So many questions, so little time until we find out (less than 24 hours!).

The rest of the card was… uh… well, it existed. Orton/Christian was solid enough, better than a Friday night, but everything else was standard dreck. Nothing was bad—even the divas’ match was “decent for the divas”—but nothing was really exciting either. Throw in all the commercials and Cee Lo Brown’s retardedly long mini-concert, and it was a waste of $45. We all knew this was a one-match pony, I suppose, but that doesn’t make the pill any less bitter to swallow.

I’ll be here for the RAW recap tomorrow though, so I’ll keep you abreast of all the fallout. Until then, have a good night, and I’ll see you later!

PPV Grade: C+ (overall), B+ (main event)

Trials & Simulations #15 - The End of the Day

2011-08-09T00:01:00.004-04:00

It's taken over three years and spanned 15 pages, but we're ending the third day! At this rate, we'll be arguing over the Y3K bug before Jeff's birthday is ever shown, but hey... that's the magic of comics.

Exposition continues as Jeff sorts out the priorities in his life. His exact priority is no surprise, but the trip into his subconscious will probably raise an eyebrow.

http://www.drunkduck.com/Trials_and_Simulations/5348639/

Trials & Simulations #14 - The Long Ride Home

2011-08-02T00:01:00.000-04:00

Steve is the trusting sort. Hopefully he doesn't wind up paying for it. But at least we know what Trinity is all about, eh? Hooray for exposition!

http://www.drunkduck.com/Trials_and_Simulations/5345131/

Retarded Customer #44: It's the Heat Wave

2011-08-01T12:45:00.000-04:00

I was out covering Sporting Goods last night, as the only guy out there went on break. And now, he officially owes me a beer... See, we're just getting ready to start hunting season, and there are several stupid T-shirts we sell with slogans like "I Don't Give A Buck (A Chance)" and "Fishing Pole. Beer. Life Is Complete."

So I had three customers come up, poking around. All three are guys, older guys (late 30s to mid 40s I'd guess) who give off that stench that they're just trying to recapture their youth of being awesome and popular in high school. I wish I could describe it better than that: they simply carried themselves as if Wal-Mart should be privileged to be graced by their presence.

Then they saw the shirts, and one guy decided he wanted to see if it fit. So he took his own shirt off, giving me a view of a torso as round and pale as the moon. His fat rolls undulated with every breath like the water of a freshly flushed toilet bowl. And speaking of toilet bowls, he was as sweaty as if a toilet bowl was installed with actual sweat glands during a 90-degree day. He was probably just winded and tired from the workout that was walking around an air conditioned building. This doesn't count his body hair or the dinner plates he calls nipples, but any further description of the guy would require a hazmat suit and a call to the CDC.

He tries on the shirt and decides he wants it. To me, this is great: I'm happy he didn't change his mind and throw it in the pile of other shirts. He takes it up to the counter for me to check out, which I do slowly and trying to keep my disgust off my face. And as I pick up the item to scan the barcode, I find that the shirt was damp.

The shirt. Was. DAMP.

While I'm doing this, his friends spot a pair of soccer shin guards sitting on the counter, which were returns that my coworker was getting ready to take back to Claims. One idiot friend says "Hey, I didn't know you were buying knee pads too! Are you planning to do something important with them? Or are they for... you know... something... else... perverted and naughty?"

"HA! Yeah! I'm gonna buy 'em for my girlfriend!" After a moment of general laughter... "Actually no. I'mma buy 'em for Debbie!" He punctuates this poor woman's name with a pelvic thrust in the general direction of his friend, which I'm sure is a case that Freud would love to give a shot. "You know, Debbie? Down the street?"

"DEBBIE??? EW! That's so gross! She's so nasty!" Given who the friend is talking to, this Debbie must be the personification of the diarrhea of a sumo wrestler who had just eaten a bowl of throat cancer.

I completed the transaction, and a few seconds later, my coworker returned from break. I told him the tale (somehow without vomiting), and he just laughed at me and said I deserved it. So because one mature turn deserves another, I wiped my hand on the cash register keyboard before scurrying off to the hand sanitizer in the bathroom.

I think I still need a chemical shower.

The Best Piece of Exercise Advice Ever!

2011-07-27T01:29:00.000-04:00

So, I'm trying to lose a bit of weight to get in shape for my return to officiating. I'm doing light exercises, and I can't stress the word "light" enough. (I have the muscle mass of a diabetic toddler. I can do only 30 sit-ups and 20 push-ups before I have to rest.)

Luckily a co-worker who shall remain nameless decided to help me out!

"See, the thing is, you have to keep pushing yourself. After all, muscles don't start firming and getting stronger until they're torn! Once you tear a muscle, it heals up and the fibers wrap around tighter and get stronger, and that's how the muscle gets better!"

I'm so pleased he's given me the secret to happiness and health! I'm going to go throw myself down the stairs because if muscle tears make my muscles better, then broken bones will turn the marrow and cartridge into galvanized steel! What could possibly go wrong by giving myself a dozen catastrophic injuries at once?!

Trials & Simulations #13 - Where We Left Off

2011-07-26T00:01:00.004-04:00

Oh HELL yes, Trials & Simulations is back, baby! And it's back HARD. Once again, follow the adventures of Jeff Molliner as he discovers what it's like to live in SimCity!

It's been a long time, but not only have I mastered using GIMP to edit the crap out of the comics, but the Sims 3 engine is easier to work with than the Sims 2 engine for the purposes of the comic. All told, I should be able to easily bang out a page every week, and I'm aiming for Tuesday releases. Things may change, but for now, it seems that Jeff is back to induce awkward groans for your enjoyment!

http://www.drunkduck.com/Trials_and_Simulations/5345129/

In case you've forgotten everything about the comic -- and honestly, given that the last one was released February 2008, I would actually be surprised if you did remember anything -- you might want to check out the first page, located here...

http://www.drunkduck.com/Trials_and_Simulations/4903714/

Age of Empires 2 - Separation of Responsibilities

2011-07-23T22:16:00.004-04:00

I cannot believe I don't have this story on the blog somewhere! Zane should kick my ass about it.

Before we get to the story though, I have a bit of news. Remember those two "creative outlets" I talked about? One is the Let's Play videos, which, thanks to the tests, look really good. My only issue at the moment is that I doubt any of you will care about watching RTSs over and over since, if I discussed strategy, would usually wind up coming down to me saying the same damn thing. I've got some ideas though, and Zane has promised to help out at least once, so hopefully more LP videos will come (and wind up being very, very interesting).

But as to the other, super-secret creative outlet? All the bugs are squashed! I can't express just how excited I am that it's going to happen. Everything is in place, and unless the Internet explodes in a torrent of porn and illegal media, then you will get to see the first step on Tuesday. Old-time fans of the blog will be pleasantly surprised, and new readers (especially Kyle; shoutout to you, brother) will be pleased. Be sure to check the blog on Tuesday; the post is set to appear at 12:01am, so it should be up the moment you're awake (or right before you go to bed).

Okay, now to the story. Back in high school, I was a bigger dork than I am now, and that's not just taking my fatter ass into consideration. Hey, I didn't have responsibilities other than homework (which I frequently didn't do), and every week seemed to be a challenge that would get me to the weekend where I could hang out with Yoseph, Zane, and Blizzard. During the week, there would be times that I would worry more about our hobbies, whatever happened to be the specific topic we would check out in more detail on Saturday.

One time, when Zane and Yoshi were scheming over Age of Empires 2, I did some sketches and tables to check the way our matches went, looking for patterns so we could get better. During my research, I noticed that we tended to use resources in very similar ways; not similar to each other, but similar to ourselves in consecutive matches. There was a definite pattern to our matches, hence why I could make that (admittedly boring) A Typical Match post a few years ago. I noticed that while my economy was always strong, my army was always stronger; I could see military objectives and logical strategic planning better than either Zane or Yoshi, with no offense intended to either of them. Zane meanwhile had absolutely heroic organization skills (which still persist to this day), allowing him to deal with multiple tasks at once. And Yoshi had a sixth sense about the enemies' attack patterns, as well as a never-ending stubbornness to withstand any sort of attrition the enemies were trying to chip at him. (He was the only one of us who never resigned a match and never even considered resigning; Z and I both resigned or at least considered so for several matches before we got really good.) It's one reason we were a great team: we played off each other really well.

I knew all this anecdotally, but never in black-and-white numbers like my charts were indicating. I crunched the numbers, and I realized that at a particular late point in every match, each of us ignored a particular facet of our game because it no longer mattered. For example, my villagers became irrelevant once my army was marching, and Zane would let his Hussars hang around anywhere except to run interference once he was economically stable.

I wondered: why don't we just work on our specialties from the beginning of the match? We're a goddamn team, after all.

I sketched -- well, doodled -- a map and ran some attack patterns in my head. I presented the strategy to the guys the next weekend, calling it the "Militant and Civilian Strategy," a poor name but fairly self-explained nonetheless. My plan was for the three of us to work independently until it was time to age up the first time. At that point, Z would start producing all the resources for me, and I would produce all the military units.

It's a plan that hinged on trust. He would trust me that I would protect his villagers under any circumstances, and I would trust that the resources would be there when I needed them. If either of us was hit too hard, or if either of our concentrations were deflected for a moment, it would end in disaster. Yoshi would meanwhile run interference and help with defense, once we knew which way the opponents were coming from.

Yoshi had no problem with the plan, but Z was a little dubious. Still, I talked him into it, and he's the type to try anything once anyway. We started up the match, and our setup was lucky: the dice roll put us on the east side of the map, with me in the center, Zane to the north, and Yoshi to the south. It could not be better.

We executed the plan, remaining independent for the first 15 minutes or so of the match; we couldn't do much anyway since we can't start swapping resources until markets come into play. At the first age-up, when all three of us were financially stable, I flagged five villagers as my building team, killed the rest, and started going balls-out with Hussars.

There were no attacks for several minutes. Zane wasn't exactly comfortable, and he would later tell me that there were several times he wanted to get some soldiers for defense, but he stuck to the plan. Without the need to build anything but villagers and some buildings -- and, in turn, not having to buy a single upgrade -- Z gained food at a rate that would make third-world countries' heads explode. He had a good fifty farmers when a typical match has us cap out at twenty. But our (his especially) nervousness grew exponentially, since the longer the AI takes to make that initial attack, the larger the force is going to be.

Then they struck. Z was lucky to see a small contingent run near his walls and start to move around to the south side of his town. His farmers, all in the walls, were perfectly safe. But his three dozen lumberjacks and miners, completely exposed in the wilderness outside the walls, were in mortal peril. He frantically alerted me to the problem, and I calmly told him that he'd be fine as I ordered my units to his position.

We played on large-size maps, and even cavalry take awhile to get anywhere. Zane took a quick action to make his lumberjacks retreat to a different forest, one behind his castle. The enemy stayed near his walls but followed them, so Z could at least see what he was dealing with. Z reported they were platoon strength (about 10 in AoE numbers), which could slaughter 50+ villagers without breaking a sweat or stopping to wipe the liver bits off their blades.

I shrugged and told him to relax.

The enemy regiment caught up to the villagers. One lone villager was chopping a tiny forest to the east, and they killed him in seconds. The regiment reformed, then turned and together marched toward the bulk of Zane's lumberjacks. Completely helpless, he started cussing me out in his head, while typing some vile accusations at me in the chat channel, taking me to task for not protecting him, asking me what the hell I was thinking, why I was going against the plan, reminding me that he was helpless, and that the entire reason I existed in this match was to help him out. He almost "rage-quit" over it.

But that message was never sent. Instead, Z wound up holding backspace, and he sent a tiny little message I saw on my monitor that made me smile. I'll never forget it. Verbatim:

"Oh."

The sudden change of his attitude was because my regiment strength (20 in AoE numbers) cavalry unit -- which was intentionally designed to slaughter the basic footmen that were invading Zane -- suddenly arrived on scene. Zane did give the order to have his lumberjacks back off a bit, causing the enemy to chase them and buy my horsemen time. It was a rout: my Hussars obliterated 7 of their 10 swordsmen, while I only suffered 2 casualties.

And then my second regiment arrived.

After the bloodbath, I stationed one regiment to Zane's northeast corner, and the other to the southeast corner. No one else would be coming along that I wouldn't immediately be able to respond to.

"Uh... are you sure you don't need them? That's a lot of guys."

"Nah dude. I've got three more regiments right now with a fourth almost done."

With Zane giving me everything he had and over-focusing on economy, and the mere fact that only one of us was buying upgrades -- and even then, only I'm buying any military upgrades and ignoring civilian ones -- I was getting more resources than I could even spend. My poor builder team was running around like lions in heat as they were building a dozen military buildings (a typical match will usually see me build about four total). And that was when they weren't running into my army, which was just so thick and everywhere due to poor planning that they were probably wading through all the horse poop.

That's when Yoshi decided to help out. Zane built some outposts, which are towers that give long range of sight but cannot attack. These outposts would serve to give himself plenty of warning if the enemies tried that again. Behind those, Yoshi built up his guard towers as he always does.

They were unnecessary. The enemy changed tactics and decided to go after me from then on, sending a scouting regiment after my main town. I immediately sent out all of my then-2 armies (80 total units), which ended that threat.

Then we aged up to Age 3, and Zane's economy really got going.

When it was over, Zane had created 200 villagers: 199 were part of the team at the end, with one king unit (leading to the 200-man population cap), and that one villager who had been killed early. That was it: no more deaths on his side. I of course took several losses, but I was able to hit Age 4 and got my final army (like the one you saw in the Let's Play video) faster than the enemies did. Once both of my main armies got there -- called a "front," which I don't normally manage -- it was pretty downhill, and I sent in the original defensive regiments just for the hell of it.

We never tried it again, and I'm not sure if Zane really found it exciting other than that moment of sheer terror at the beginning. But I do know that his juggling of 199 villagers at once was absolutely insane, a task I couldn't possibly manage without practice. It was fantastic.

Maybe I can convince him to give it another go with me for a YouTube video?

Pure Gold Appearance

2011-07-19T00:43:00.001-04:00

Hey guys, just wanted to let you know I'll be interviewed by Pure Gold again tomorrow night. They've got two guests lined up, and they're leading with Rima Fakih, who is Miss USA 2010 and flirted with a career in WWE earlier this year by participating in the Tough Enough competition. Her interview will more than likely be aired when the show goes live at 10pm Eastern, and my interview will likely be soon after it, probably around 10:35 - 10:40, somewhere in there. We'll probably be mainly wrestling-centric, but who knows. You can even call in to ask Rima, or me, or the hosts, or anyone else any questions you might have, so check that out too!

The number to call in the show is (714) 364-4721. The host website is here, and their show's official site is here. Finally, I'll try to embed the code here, so you can just do a one-click to tune in! Check it out...

Listen to internet radio with Pure Gold on Blog Talk Radio

Money in the Bank 2011 - Recap!

2011-07-17T23:15:00.002-04:00

Because of CM Punk's victory, Online Onslaught has crashed! I'm going to mirror my recap here!

Oh yeah, it’s time for Money in the Bank! Other than working and playing some Fallout 3, I’ve not been doing much other than preparing for tonight. I’m stoked, and I figure if you’re reading this, you’re even less interested in my precaps than usual! So, uh, let’s get to it.

I’m going to take the Rick System of Recapping Ladder Matches, which is to say: I won’t. I’ll give you my usual winners and losers of course, and I’ll mention a few of any insanely cool and unique spots—or, God forbid, any blown spots—but a ladder match is a spot fest by nature, and trying to paint the picture will take me the rest of the week to do it any justice. Probably, you’ll want to look up the two ladder matches on YouTube or whatever anyway.

And… it looks like we’re opening with the SmackDown MITB match already!

Segment 1 [Money in the Bank Ladder Match, SmackDown Edition]: Daniel Bryan grabs the case, outlasting Wade Barrett et al. Holy shit, really? I would have never called this in a million years. (And goddamn you Michael Cole for saying that exact phrase mere instants after I typed it.) Solid match, a good 25 minutes or so, with several fun spots to keep everyone happy.

Daniel Bryan had a nice combination “Holy shit!” and “What the fuck?” moment early. Justin Gabriel threw him off the west ropes, then tried a clothesline. DB ducked it from the rebound, but as he was running to the east ropes, he saw Wade Barrett standing there near the commentators. DB decided he needed to be the first to attempt a broken skull, so he did a full-speed suicide dive through the ropes… except DB nearly tripped on the ropes in the process, and nearly smashed his face into a ladder on the landing.

Just a bit later, Cara hit the top rope C4 on DB… but then, a minute later, Wade bridged a ladder between the east ropes and the Spanish announce table. Wade took himself out, but then Sheamus decided to do his Crucifix Powerbomb on Cara through the bridged ladder. We got the Single Fist of Righteousness from Referee McDoucher, but he did the full stretcher job (while doing seizing twitches) anyway.

We had a bitching Doomsday Device too, with Sheamus holding up DB as Kane flew off the top. DB landed it pretty scarily, landing kinda on his neck, but we got Double Fist of Righteousness by whoever checked him.

Karma is a bitch though… Several minutes later, we had a ladder in the center of the ring, and one bridged on it and the bottom rope. Sheamus climbed the side with the ladder bridge, while Kane was climbing from the other side. After some back and forth, Kane got pissed, jumped down, went around the ladder, grabbed Sheamus’s throat, and chokeslammed him into the bridged ladder… which, uh, didn’t give at all.

Moments later we had a ladder sitting on the top ropes, bridged at the turnbuckle. Justin decided to do a 450 off the top of the bridged ladder, adding only about four inches to the height but at a cost of a thousand percent more dangerous.

The finish sequence saw DB going up the same (empty) side of the ladder there, but Cody Rhodes followed him. So as DB is sitting on the top of the ladder, he turns around and faces Cody, then does a guillotine choke… while Wade Barrett starts to climb on the other (bridged) side. Wade gets to the top and starts fingering the briefcase as Cody loses consciousness.

DB sees Wade behind him, so he shoves Cody off the ladder, then elbows Wade in the face. Back-and-forthy punchy-kicky ensues, with Wade finally losing steps until he’s standing on the bridge. DB turns around using only his ass cheeks, so now he’s sitting on the top of the ladder, facing Wade. DB does as stiff of a roundhouse kick as he can from that awkward angle, sending Wade to the mat off the bridge.

DB then spins on his ass again, solidifies his foothold, and snatches the case while Cole flips his shit. DB celebrates with tears and cheers!

Cut Scene: We get an “earlier tonight” cut scene where Vince McMahon arrives with two others. One is a lawyer—probably a prop—but the other is none other than John “Johnny Ace” Laurinitis. I’d never seen him before… for some reason, with a retarded nickname like “Johnny Ace,” I figured he wouldn’t look nearly that conservative. He reminds me of that guy who starred in Thank You For Smoking and other movies.

Segment 2 [Singles Match for the Divas Title]: Kelly Kelly defeats Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella) by pin. Lame. Boring. Shitty. We pretty much knew what was going on when K2 fucked up her very first move, the little tilt-a-whirl headscissors that was too much tilt and not enough head. Or, not enough scissors. Or something.

Ten minutes that felt like 20 that I’ll never get back. Where’s My Melina, damnit?

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Mark Henry defeats Big Show by pin. Henry won clean, with two “World Strongest Slams” (which were really shitty scoop slams since he couldn’t get Show over his head). Before we go on, here, take a look at this video…

You have now seen a more intense and interesting fight than this match, and it only lasted one-third of the length. You’re welcome.

Post-Segment 3: Goddamnit, we’re not done yet? Looks like Henry found a chair, and is tucking it around an ankle. Henry then proceed to do a Jack Swagger-like vaulting splash in the corner, “snapping” the ankle and causing him to do a full stretcher job too. That takes us to 9 o’clock. Thrilling.

Segment 4: Vince is talking to Laurinaitis in the back somewhere, and then Josh Mathews wanders in to ask if Punk is signed yet. Vince swallows hard, says he hasn’t signed him, and calls Punk an ingrate. “The biggest ingrate I’ve ever met with in my life.” Seems like Punk rejected the “most lucrative contract ever,” and that Punk’s fans should blame Punk himself, not Vince.

Vince continues to blather stupidly as Laurinaitis stands around not doing anything, which probably is the most representative shot of those two ever.

Segment 5 [Money in the Bank Ladder Match, RAW Edition]: Alberto Del Rio grabs the briefcase, outlasting Rey Mysterio et al. Solid match, shorter but way more exciting than SD’s effort, not that SD’s was bad or anything.

We started off immediately with the entrances, with Alberto Del Rio arming himself with a ladder as he went to the ring. Kofi grabbed a smaller ladder as he came out just to even it up. Each guy decided to follow suit, with R-Truth grabbing what can only be described as the Little Jimmy Ladder. Once everyone was in the ring, they decided to just go 7-on-1 against ADR, the man who started it all, bashing him in the head (gently) with their weapons.

Our first major holy shit was a few minutes into it. One by one, each guy did some sort of suicide dive or vault over the top rope to take out Miz, then Truth, then both, then all of them, etc. etc. Kofi and Rey went together off the northwest and southwest corners respectively. But Evan Bourne—who seems as jumpy as the aforementioned ferret—decided to climb the super ladder that was sitting in the entrance aisle, where he proceed to do the World’s Most Beautiful Shooting Star Press off the top step of the ladder to take all seven of his opponents. Evan sold it, but he seemed to have a smile on his face through the “pain.”

A bit later, a ladder was in the center of the ring. Miz and Evan were climbing opposite sides, with Miz holding the briefcase momentarily. At that exact moment, ADR appeared and shoved the ladder, sending Evan flying and Miz holding on for dear life. Miz dropped a moment later and landed on his feet but he landed pretty hard, and he immediately exploded into screams as he clutched his right knee. Once the refs corralled him, we got the Single Fist of Righteousness again, but we had a great sell-job by the officials. Miz was assisted to the back, but didn’t do the stretcher job. Meanwhile, when ADR pushed the ladder, it hit the north ropes so hard that it bounced all the way to the south ropes, where ADR was standing, so he got nailed in the back of the head. That could not have felt good.

Soon later, Rey and Evan were climbing on opposite sides. ADR and Truth, respectively, went after them from the ground, pulling their legs. With absolutely perfect precision, the faces dropped down and huracanranaed their respective heel through the ropes. Beautiful timing on that spot, it could not have gone better.

Kofi later found a ladder and hung onto it from underneath the ladder, grabbing onto the top steps and dodging people by jumping over their charges. That is, until Rey came along and did a ridiculous jumping 619 to Kofi’s face.

An insane sequence followed that featured all seven remaining guys on about four ladders. One by one they dropped, until Kofi was alone. Jack got back up there, but Kofi sent him off. However, Kofi sort of fell off too in the process, and came flying off as he dropped a foot directly onto Jack’s lower jaw or throat. Refs swarmed, but we didn’t see any signal.

Shortly thereafter, again the insanity continued. Tons of teases, including Miz hauling ass out from the back and trying to climb the ladder with only one wheel. Rey stopped him by doing a sick jumping flip powerbomb from a different ladder, catching Miz in midair, and sending him to the canvas.

That prompted Rey and ADR to climb up opposite sides of the ladder. ADR’s major defense here was to just demask Rey and fling it across the ring, drawing huge sympathy groans from the audience, who were already operating at a huge fever pitch. Rey covered his face as he flew to a different ladder… but then he slowly toppled over. I think Rey and ADR were supposed to stay on their respective ladders, but Rey was off-balance and was selling covering his face, so his ladder sort of twisted and turned into ADR’s. ADR even broke character and tried to help Rey maintain balance by shoving him into an upright position, but he shoved too hard, so Rey’s ladder sort of twisted around and crashed into ADR’s, sending them both into the mats.

Yup, seems that was the plan: ADR grabbed the nearest ladder after screaming at it, set it, climbed up, and grabbed the briefcase without resistance.

Segment 6: After video packages and replays and shit, ADR gets interviewed by Mathews in the back. ADR complains that he shouldn’t have had to win the damn match since it’s his destiny to win the whole thing, but fuck it: it’s just a formality on his path to WWE Championship happiness.

Segment 7 [Singles Match for the World Heavyweight Title, title can change hands on a DQ]: Christian defeats Randy Orton by disqualification, and is the NEW World Heavyweight Champion! Decent match with, honestly, an unexpected ending. Not better than a “free-per-view” match though.

Orton did a neat move late. He did a gutwrench to get Christian up on his right shoulder, but then gently let go with his left hand while holding him up with the right arm. After a pregnant pause, he basically tossed Christian a half-inch up, then quickly shifted to get wrap his arms around his neck and drop down. So basically, it was a gutwrench lift to a reverse neckbreaker drop. Awesome, but it wasn’t enough to finish him off.

This was the start of the end game, and Orton started stalking Christian… who, uh, spit directly into Orton’s mouth and up his nose. That of course pissed Orton all to hell, so he started beating the fuck out of Christian, concluding with a swift kick to the testicles. New champ!

Post-Segment 7: They wanted to show replays, but Orton was too busy beating the fuck out of Christian, flinging him over the tables and continuing the assault. Refs and Teddy Long hit ringside to get Orton to listen to reason. He, naturally, did an RKO to Christian on the Spanish Announce Table (which didn’t give). Christian doesn’t know what day of the week it is, but he’s got the gold. Hope that testicle kick was worth it!

…Uh, wait, Orton isn’t done yet. He comes back after leaving, makes Bozo the Clown’s orgasm face, and hits a second RKO onto the table, which, again, doesn’t break. Orton punches a barricade and screams “DAS BOWL SHEET,” and once I know what exactly that means, I’ll let you know.

I just hope Christian doesn’t lose the belt again in only five fucking days, but I’ve got a bad feeling about the poor guy.

Commercial: WWE, if I wanted Skittles, I would have spent my $45 on that rather than your pay-per-view. Fuck you and your greed.

Pre-Segment 8: Apparently the main event is already starting? It’s only fricking 10pm! Either something is totally up, or they’re going to end at 10:30 again.

CM Punk—for some reason, sporting Orton’s reverse goatee but without the neckbeard part— hits the ring to the biggest pop in the universe, and someone’s got a sign in the crowd that says “CM Punk wins or we riot.” I actually believe that. I mean, seriously, Punk is getting chants and cheers like he’s “Dwayne.”

Punk got to milk it for a minute or two, and then Cena’s music played. Cena, to his infinite credit, didn’t bother doing his silly cartoonish Marine whatever entrance, didn’t run to the ring, didn’t do the slide into it, and finally, when he lifted the title over his head, he kept his head down. Holy crap. Cena did throw his shirt to the one guy in the front row who was actually cheering for him, but even flashed the Word Life sign with absolutely zero fanfare or intensity.

Holy shit. I’m fucking stoked for this… Where’s my orange Russian???

Segment 8 [Singles Match for the WWE Championship]

I’m going to do an old-fashioned recap of this bad boy. Standard back-and-forth feeling out with short chain wrestling, prompting a huge “You can’t wrestle!” chant. Punk played along and stopped the match to go “Me?” Crowd said “NOOO!!!” Punk pointed to Cena and said “Him?” Crowd screamed “YAY!!!!” Punk gestured “Oh, okay, it’s cool.” Heh.

Cena ate tons more chants as things settled down to, surprisingly, a slow technical pace. The crowd invented a new chant, having half the arena screaming “Cena sucks!” while the other half, then, uh, repeated it.

More back and forth until Cena was taken down with a shoulder block, then did a “You can’t see me,” making the crowd pop insane again. I haven’t heard this much energy in a WWE event outside of WrestleMania in a fucking decade. Hell, a bunch of fans on the first elevated row are just flicking him off with authority.

Cena continued hope spots but was doing them with extended time, which, honestly, wasn’t very exciting. I mean, Cena, whenever he got a hope spot, tended to slap on a rest hold. I don’t know if they’re padding the time or just working the crowd—since they’re already so fired up that they can’t really go fast this early or the crowd will be shot by the time they get to the end—but it didn’t make for the most exciting action. The crowd, again, gave no shit, and were still giving a few “Cena sucks!” chants while he was on offense.

As Punk got back on offense, the teenage girls and underage boys found their voices, countering the “Cena sucks!” with “Let’s go Cena!” And Cena responded by getting momentum, suplex, wacky hip toss, stalking, FU teases, and his other usual shtick. But again, this isn’t precisely a standard match, so every time Cena lost momentum, Punk would be right there to re-counter and apply his own submission or rest hold.

Cena eventually found himself being flung from the ring, so Punk decided to exit the ring and help him back in. Cena found himself on his stomach, his head and one arm over the edge of the ring with the rest of his body inside. Punk climbed the top rope and flew off, planting his knee into the back of Cena’s SURGICALLY REPAIRED~! neck. Punk was slightly hurt from that too, but tried a pin, though it failed.

Punk then threw Cena into the corner and charged. Cena dodged, so Punk Speared the ring post. Cena took a breath, then hopped up and tried to slap on the STF, but Punk countered out and tried a pin of his own.

Punk back on offense, giving us the “heel beatdown” part of the night with another chinlock. Cena wheeled up to his feet, kicked and punched his way out, but ate a big boot and a rebound top rope crossbody… that sorta missed. Punk, in fact, landed with his entire weight on Cena’s right knee. Cena even rolled out of the ring to sit on the apron and try to recover it a bit, making me wonder if he did some real damage (obviously not too bad either way, but it must have hurt like a bitch).

No mercy from Punk. He headed over and attempted to suplex Cena in the ring, but Cena reversed it and sent both guys to ringside. Ref checked on both guys, then slid in the ring, so everything’s probably fine.

Back in the ring, Cena started his Superwigger comeback, hitting a forward powerslam (isn’t that an Alabama Slam?), or maybe he would call it a modified front FU. Either way, it wasn’t treated as a finisher, and Punk was able to kick out of the pin.

Punk even punched his way to momentum, but Cena ducked a punch and put on… really? An abdominal stretch? Punk countered by basically raking his eyes, which I guess the ref is allowing because why the fuck not, and soon both guys were taken down with clotheslines. But Cena got to his feet first, hit his form of five moves of doom… except, no, Punk reversed a back body drop into a school boy, but Cena kicked out.

Soon, Punk was taken down with a back body drop after all, and Cena tried the “You Can’t See Me” to a chorus of boos… but Punk quickly kicked him in the head, sending Cena flying out of the ring. Punk screamed a war cry that just made the Usos and their Haka crap their pants, and he cleanly hit a suicide dive through the ropes.

Punk wanted to keep going and threw Cena in the ring, then went for a flying knee drop. Cena dodged, and Punk slammed hard into the mat. Cena got up and finally hit his “You Can’t See Me” and Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena then went for the FU, but Punk over-rotated on it (intentionally), trying to counter by landing on his feet, but ending up landing on his ass. No problem: Punk no-sold it, got up, beat the shit out of Cena. Punk went for a GTS, which was countered to an FU, which was re-countered to a gutwrench powerbomb. Punk kicked out.

Cena went for another FU. Punk wiggled out, shoved Cena against the ropes, and did a Sagat-powered flying knee to his forehead. Punk said fuck it and did a second one (to the goddamn jaw), hit a running bulldog, hit a flying forearm when Cena got up… but Cena still kicked out of the pin.

So Punk decided to go back to basics and just shit-kicked Cena a half-dozen times. Cena ducked the seventh, quickly locked in the STF as my guest here completely lost her mind and woke up my neighbors with her enthusiasm, but Punk was able to grab the bottom rope to break it up. As both guys got to their feet, Punk hit a sweet stiff roundhouse to Cena’s temple, but again, Cena was able to kick out of the pin. The crowd, needless to say, is completely in this, cheering and booing at everything, and the pro-Cena fans have been completely drowned out.

They get up after a very long pause, Punk gets to the top rope and hits a flying crossbody. Cena takes it but rolls through. Punk re-rolls through and pops up, and goes for a GTS. But Cena slips out and manages a STF near the ropes. Punk nearly gets it, but Cena pulls him away and locks it in again. But then Punk manages to slip his arms through and actually manages to reverse the STF and hit the Anaconda Vice! Cena nearly passes out but fights it and slips out, then hits the FU. But Punk kicks out at 2.9999999.

Cena drags himself to the top rope and goes for, I guess, his wacky standing leg drop on Punk, but Punk counters (sort of) into a powerbomb. It looked really shitty, but who gives a fuck right now, and Punk goes for a pin, but Cena kicks out.

Punk signals the GTS, then goes for it, but Cena grabbed the ropes. Cena then twisted over the ropes and brought Punk’s face down into the top rope. Cena quickly clambered back onto the top rope, this time cleanly hitting his stupid leg drop, but Punk kicked out of the follow-up pin.

Cena smiled in spite of himself, then stood and stalked Punk. When Punk got up, Cena went for another FU, hit it clean… but Punk tells him to fuck himself and kicks out again. Cena then started arguing with the ref, initiating a bit of a double-half-turn, or something.

But Cena isn’t going to quit any more than Punk is, so he sets Punk up in the corner and sticks him on the top rope. Cena then climbs to the second rope… oh god, he’s going for a middle-rope FU! But Punk fights off, punching the piss out of Cena, causing Cena to be woozy on top rope. Punk slips over and does a top rope huracanrana. Cena’s hurt but scrambles to the corner so Punk can’t pin him, but Punk isn’t having it. He runs over and does his jumping knee, then hits a GTS clean… but the GTS sends Cena flying out of the ring.

Punk curses himself and exits the ring to toss Cena back in the ring. Punk takes a second to breathe, and that’s when Vince and Ace come lumbering out of the back. Punk and they exchange dirty looks, but the distraction is enough to give Cena time to recover. Cena slaps on the STF, and…

GODDAMNIT, Vince starts calling for the bell, because it’s 1997 again. Ace hauls ass around the corner to get to the bell. Cena breaks the hold to punch Ace in the face, drawing a unanimous cheer for the first time here. Cena comes around to yell at Vince and bitch him out. “Not that way! We’re doing this my way!”

And apparently Cena’s way to do it is to get in the ring and eat a GTS. One… two… THREE!!! NEW CHAMPION!

But Vince hauls ass over to the announcers table and starts screaming into the mic “Get Del Rio out here now! Cash it in! Cash it in now!” Punk’s music cuts abruptly.

Vince and Punk start screaming at each other, with Punk looking more confused than anything. Vince wasn’t on an arena mic so the fans don’t have a clue what’s going on.

ADR then hauls ass out to the ring, no music, with the briefcase in tow. ADR slides in the ring, and Punk just immediately punches him in the face. ADR is unconscious and can’t officially ask to cash in the MITB.

Punk then hops of the ring and sits on the barricade. He blows a kiss to Vince, gives a cocky little wink, and does the absolutely best defense in the world: he just hauls ass through the crowd as they go apeshit, and clearly, they’re not going to let their new champion be dragged back to the fire. Punk poses once on the upper deck of the arena with the title, then retreats from the building. Our last shot is Vince, looking like he’s going to cry, as Punk runs away with his title, and more than likely, his balls.

Final Thoughts: The undercard—here defined as “everything but the MITB matches and Punk/Cena”—were “meh” at best. But you weren’t expecting anything else, were you?

Both MITB matches were solid and delivered well. No complaints. ADR was the “obvious” pick here, but I guess WWE continued their Costanza Method with SD’s MITB by giving Daniel Bryan the nod. I’m hoping that it’s not DB’s destiny to be the first to cash in the briefcase and fail, but I’ve got a feeling that’s the direction we’re heading.

But now, the main event. Others can posit and debate and blather all they want, as I’m sure they will. But I’d like to take this moment to point out that I indeed figured they’d do the Montreal thing mostly because they haven’t even mentioned it on TV yet, and I was sadly half-right. But Punk still put that idea to bed, which is awesome. If you’re keeping score at home, that means Rick’s Idea #1 was the winner, which the safest, albeit least creative, way they could have brought the story home.

But who cares, right? We have a solid story, a solid feud, Cena could actually get back on the fans’ good side by being Anti-Vince for the summer, and hopefully this means the death of that goddamn spinner. Though I’d prefer an “awesome” chapter to a “safe” one, I much prefer a “safe” chapter to a “shitty” one, which is what WWE seems to do most of the time.

And haven’t we all wanted to punch John Laurinaitis in the face? That was almost worth the price of admission by itself. I hope Cena didn’t pull that one.

So… Tomorrow’s RAW will be huge, so tune in tomorrow for our recap of it. Have a good night, and I’ll see you then!

PPV Grades: B+ overall; B+ MITB matches; A- main event

Age of Empires 2 - Test Match, Part 2 of 2

2011-07-17T11:44:00.001-04:00

Well that certainly went a lot faster. I used a different file type this time around. Part 1 was an uncompressed AVI that weighed in at an insane 7 GB file. Part 2 meanwhile is an MP4 with a 3200 bit rate, and it's down to a half-gig that took me only a few hours to upload. It doesn't seem like I've lost any quality in the process.

Okay, so, this is part 2 of the test match. Check it out, and bask in my greatness.

Seriously, I need to get Zane in on this ASAP.

Age of Empires 2 - Test Match, Part 1 of 2

2011-07-16T21:35:00.000-04:00

Okay, so, there are snags with both creative outlets. I've almost fixed one and I have no idea what's going on with the other, but let's take this one at a time.

My first creative outlet takes us back in history on this blog. Over there... to the right, buddy... is there tag list. Click the "Gaming Memories" tag, and you'll eventually find a couple epic blog posts divided into multiple parts where I describe my (and our team's) awesomeness with RTS games. I had several readers ask about seeing a match, and I said I might do it, some day, time-permitting.

Ladies and gentlemen: that day has finally come.

Thanks to Fraps and YouTube, I've decided to start doing a few matches of the games, record the results, and upload those sumbitches for the world to see. I don't know if any of you will find it interesting, but hey: you'll watch it if you will, and you won't if you won't.

They're standard "Let's Play" videos, so I'm commentating over everything I do, explaining as I go, and making terrible jokes along the way. So hopefully it'll be entertaining, although the match lengths will probably be upwards of an hour or more. Because of YouTube's video length limit, I'm aiming for about 20-25 minutes per episode, which is about standard sitcom length (barring commercials), so it's not like you'll have to set aside an entire evening or anything.

Now, the tricky part... the video codec I used resulted in creating a CRAZY-HUGE file that took me literally a couple days to upload. Clearly, I'm doing something wrong, so I need to play with video settings and whatnots to figure out the balance between speed and clarity. Basically, the video below is totally uncompressed, so you can see every detail... but the thing is, do you care? After all, you don't need to see my numbers probably, and considering that most of you won't be viewing it at full screen, it wouldn't matter anyway. That's why this first "creative outlet" was delayed: I processed too big of a file, and uploaded too big of a file, resulting in way too long of a wait.

But I don't entirely mind. I mean, this was only the first part of the test match, so I'm going to play with video settings (even in a different, possibly better piece of software) and see if I can lower the file size while maintaining some clarity. Part 2, whenever it comes out (probably Monday), should be a lot better on my end.

Once I get that whole thing mastered, I'll probably do more. But the better news is that once Zane found out I was doing this, he immediately volunteered to do some too! I have no clue when our schedules will mesh so we can play together, but it will happen, and you'll be able to hear our bantering at the same time.

So, enough of that. Here's the video, though there's one more note I need to make concerning things around here...

Okay, the second creative outlet -- the one that's super-top-secret at the moment -- has run into problems that I can't figure out how to squash. I damn sure will figure it out though, and you guys will be the first to know if I get through them.

So, stay tuned. The best is yet to come!

If a tree falls in the forest, and everyone who should be able to hear it is dead, does it make a sound?

2011-07-12T21:01:00.001-04:00

This one is a catch-all post, so we're going to begin with some teaser news. Plans are in the works to get two creative outlets going on the blog. One of them possibly involves Zane, and the testing phase is almost complete. You'll get a view of the finished product of the test probably tomorrow, or Thursday at the latest, unless something really goes bonkers with my Internet connection. I'll explain more once the test result is posted.

My other creative outlet is in the dark even to Zane, Blizzard, and any remaining close friends. I've got one co-worker who knows about it, and one girl who sort of inspired me to do it in the first place, but that's all I'll say for now. Honestly, this little surprise should have already happened, but for reasons beyond my control, it will probably be next Tuesday before you see it. Suffice to say though, I'm extremely excited about the project, and I'm sure some of you regulars and friends will be too.

Okay, with that out of the way... I'm exhausted, in a good way. As I came off lunch today, one of my managers requested that I go "throw the truck," which is way more manly sounding than it actually is. Throwing a truck means to get into the bed of a Wal-Mart delivery truck, then toss the boxes onto a roller track (think conveyor belt that uses momentum to power it instead of electricity), sending it down the line to where others await to categorize the boxes by department. The thrower does literally most of the heavy lifting, because he's picking up every single thing in the truck.

I had a "light" truck of 1500 pieces, which means 1500 separate boxes, though that doesn't reflect the weight. A single piece can be a 12-pack case of Crystal Light that weighs a few ounces, or a two-pack of kitty litter that weights 50 pounds. It took me just over three hours, and my arms are gone. That's more exercise than I've probably had all of the last year combined. I'm going to sleep well tonight, and though I'll be sore in the morning, it's sort of worth it.

I actually enjoying throwing trucks, though my joy comes before throwing it, and after, but never during. Usually after about fifteen minutes I think to myself, why in the hell did I volunteer for this? But it's always worth it afterwards... hell, if I keep this up, I just might sweat my desired thirty pounds off my gut. Especially when I'm throwing a truck in high-humidity 80-degree weather!

I think tonight, rather than stay up on my usual "night before a day off work" nights, I'm going to curl up with my DS and work on my new game, Super Scribblenauts. It's only new to me -- it's been out for about nine months now -- but I was pretty enthralled with the premise. It's a little puzzle game where you typically have to grab a star somewhere in the tiny level. To get the star, you can do literally anything you want to: you pull up a keyboard, type a word you want, and that object will appear in the game world.

There are literally thousands of possible words and objects! For example, say the star is high above you. You can type "trampoline" to set a trampoline down, then jump on it and get some distance to get the star. Or, you can type "jetpack," attach it to yourself, and fly up to it. You can even MacGyver objects together, so if there is a ceiling over the star, you can type "rope," then "hook," then attach the hook to the rope, then throw it (as a grappling hook) to the ceiling and climb up to get it!

There are even NPCs too. Naturally, I typed the word "pyro," and to my amazement, a little guy wound up being created. He wears all red, carries a torch, and once he's summoned, he runs around setting everything he sees on fire. Clearly, they were thinking of me when they made him.

One of the first puzzles you see puts your character on a little snowy plain, and there's a singular evergreen tree with three stars way at the top. The hint is, "Can you tell which is the real star?" It's pretty obvious: only one shimmers, which tells you right there what you need. Now, the star is out of reach, so clearly, the tree needs to go. The obvious solution is to type "axe," equip myself, and chop the tree down. But obviously, I can never do things the simple way, so I typed "bomb."

I set the bomb at the trunk on the ground, and I looked it over. The bomb looks like something from Looney Tunes, all black with a long fuse. So I figure, obviously, I have to light the bomb before it's going to go off. I typed "match," equipped myself, then walked over to the bomb.

Turns out, the bomb is on a timer... either that, or clicking the bomb just immediately sets it off. So my little guy wandered over, and immediately got caught up in the explosion. Amazingly, his health meter survived the blast, and the stars fell! Pulled that one off just barely by the skin of my teeth! Talk about a lucky break!!!

And that's when the remainder of the tree fell on me.

Retarded Customer #43: You Are the Only Important Person in the World

2011-07-10T21:38:00.001-04:00

It's been awhile, hasn't it? Part of it, honestly, has been my fear of getting fired or whatever if Wal-Mart finds the blog, since it's against pretty much every company's policy to say anything disparaging publicly. (In fact, Wal-Mart trains us during orientation day that if anyone from the media asks us for a comment about anything Wal-Mart related, we are to "refer him or her to the Wal-Mart Corporate Media Division and Public Relations." Because God forbid any Wal-Mart employee having a mind of their own.)

But lately, I've stopped caring. If I die, the last thing I want to be known as is an asshole who kept his mouth shut because he was a corporate suck-up. And besides, it's not like I've disparaged Wal-Mart too badly around here: I still maintain that Wal-Mart, itself, isn't evil, even if the people running it don't always make the most moral decisions on the planet, and even if its policies don't always make the most sense. And as I've been saying since 13 months ago, I'd rather be right than happy anyway: when you die, no one cares whether you were happy, or if you lived well. They'll remember your accomplishments and whether you succeeded at your goals (doubly true if you're one of the very rare few who makes it into a history book). So I'll be taking advantage of the First Amendment, even if I upset a couple people along the way.

Anyway, that said... As usual, this is nothing against the company, but against one particular woman who passed through my line out in Lawn & Garden the other day. I was feeling sick, physically and mentally, and I was just completely emotionally drained. I only had ten minutes left on my shift, and while I try to finish strong, I sometimes start to taper off toward the end of the day. So as I started ringing her out, I slipped a couple times and got tongue-tied while trying to make my usual "Did you find everything okay?" line. So I roughly shook my head, apologized, and said that I was just having a tough day.

"You think you are having a tough day? I bet my tough weekend tops it! Wanna hear how bad my weekend was?"

To paraphrase the stand-up comic Brian Regan, I just don't get people who feel this need to top each other. I'm all for venting and ranting -- that's what 99.9% of these blog posts are, after all -- but it was the way she was accenting "my" and "me." And the way she was expectantly looking at me, I knew that she wanted me to ask her about her weekend. If she was a kid, she would have been babbling "Wanna hear? Wanna hear? C'mon, LEMME TELL YOUUUUUU!!!!"

So I'm an idiot, and I go ahead and invite her to share the story. She tells me her infant grandchild got burned over 80% of her body, requiring insane amounts of surgery that barely saved her life. Which, indeed, is an extremely sad story, other than the fact that the granddaughter lived through it at all, which is not dissimilar to a miracle.

I was shocked and idly curious what caused this to happen, whether the woman's kids (the victim's parents) had their house burn down, or what exactly happened. I didn't ask any follow-up questions, though, because I didn't have time. The instant she finished her story, she said:

"So? So? Huh? Isn't my story worse? Isn't my weekend worse than yours?"

I truthfully answered "Yes, ma'am," because even though I was feeling like crap and more than once again contemplated suicide, I didn't bother repeating that to the customer, because hers is indeed a really horrible tragedy. Except, really, the most tragic one is the little infant, who I felt very bad for. For two reasons, though: the obvious reason, and the fact that's she's got such a lunatic for a grandmother. I hope the customer limits her inane dialogue to few strangers, and that she was just caught up in the moment. But the way she kept accenting first-person pronouns, I wonder... she might be the type of person to drive 100 miles to an unrelated crime scene.

Luckily, she is one of a very small minority of customers. In fact, the next woman who came up in line immediately said to me:

"I hope you are doing okay. But really, I didn't realize you having a bad day is a competition."

Ha! I love most of our customers. As messed up as the world is, the majority is still comprised of reasonable people. The crazy or arrogant ones just talk the loudest.

IGN Guide #55 Announced

2011-07-08T21:18:00.001-04:00

I've been confirmed for NCAA Football '12, and I'm possible for Catherine. After reading about Catherine, I'll probably buy it regardless, unless money winds up being tight this month. (Which it might, given that I'm picking up Money in the Bank this month and UFC 133 in August.)

NCAA Football should be pretty fun. I've done the last two, and so regurgitating most of my information from last year should be pretty simple. That's the nice thing about doing guides for yearly updated games: the rules of football don't change year to year, so basic information on game tactics and definitions don't change. And it's always legal to plagiarize myself.

The only curious thing is that IGN is switching to a wiki system for guides from now on. The system isn't fully implemented yet, so we writers will still be doing most of the writing. The difference, from what I understand, is that others will be able to add to what we say once we're done. I think.

There are still a lot of questions about this new wiki system they're doing, even among IGN's people themselves, so this will be a bit of an experiment. Here's hoping things go well! I'm just thankful gaming's summer dry period seems to be finally over.

Jurors Breaking Their Silence

2011-07-07T14:38:00.000-04:00

Looks like I have to reverse one of my opinions I held on the Casey Anthony trial. And this is the last blog post I'm doing about the subject.

CNN (and others) is reporting that the jurors are breaking their silence. One juror said, "If we went with our emotions, [Casey Anthony] would have been done." That, right there, tells me the jurors are far more worthy of respect than I previously gave them.

The "court of public opinion" is allowed to have any view it wants regardless of hard evidence. That's the beauty of the First Amendment, whether we're talking about something as serious as a murder investigation, or as superfluous as whether the Yankees are sucking the life out of Major League Baseball. But, as we might sit here and condemn Casey Anthony, our rights to call bullshit stop at the actual, legal interpretation of what's going on.

And that's the way it should be. A lot of people are moaning that our system is broken and corrupt, but if you take your anger and vitriol out of the equation, you'll see that the opposite is true. The juror essentially said that in their hearts, they wanted her guilty; but the evidence wasn't strong enough. And quite frankly, I don't want to live in a country where emotions factor into whether you get convicted.

The following is a cheap, easy argument, but I'm making it all the same. There was a National Geographic one-hour special called Inside North Korea where Lisa Ling spoke to some people inside North Korea, as well as some defectors, including a former guard. They mention that there are several prison camps situated around the country, and you can get sent there with a life sentence if one of your family members says a bad word about Kim Jong-il. You literally don't have to do anything wrong: if your father says that Kim Jong-il is a douchebag, suddenly you, your father, your kids, and anyone else remotely related will get chucked in these prison camps. And the original statement -- that your father said something insulting -- doesn't even have to be true. The North Korean government doesn't exactly hold deep investigations when the "Glorious Leader's" reputation is on the line.

Back to today, and America: If the jurors said the case was weak, and decided to put their personal feelings aside and cast their verdict based on the evidence, then not only was justice served as it is written, then it proves the system actually works. American law insists on being about evidence, about facts, about procedure, about due course, and not about emotions and gut feelings. If Casey is guilty -- and I, quite frankly, believe she is, or at least was heavily involved in the murder if she didn't actually make the killing blow herself -- then she is either lucky or smart enough to make sure just enough evidence was buried that she couldn't be fingered for it.

If you want to blame anyone for the case being bungled, blame the prosecutors for not doing their jobs, or the cops for not finding enough evidence. Meanwhile, as suggested by most of my blog commentors in the last post, hug your child, say a prayer (or whatever, based on your religion) for Caylee, and encourage other people not to be douchebag parents like Casey clearly was. Casey may or may not have gotten away with murder, but as the old adage goes, I'd rather have ten guilty people go free than one innocent person be sent to prison.

The Anthony Trial Stupidity

2011-07-05T17:18:00.003-04:00

So by now, you probably know that Casey Anthony was found "not guilty" of murder, manslaughter, and child abuse, though she was found "guilty" of lying to police. She's set to be sentenced on Thursday, though of course it's largely irrelevant in most people's eyes; what people care about is the trio of violent charges.

A shitstorm has ensued, with tons of people likening this to the OJ trial in 1995, that clearly Anthony has gotten away with murder, the whole system is corrupt, and so on.

First off, let me say that I'm rather ashamed of myself that I'm paying any attention to this at all. I feel like I'm part of the problem with these media circus trials, since I'm actually giving my time and blog space to talking about it in a non-zero capacity. And maybe I'm a hypocrite, but really, this kind of fallout and attention is the precise reason I've ignored it as much as possible. Really, it's none of my business how Anthony is sentenced.

That said, as usual, I figure I'll weigh in some of my thoughts about this whole mess, but as usual, they are thoughts directed more at humanity rather than the specific trial which, as I said, I haven't really been paying attention to.

As to the verdict, remember that "not guilty" isn't the same as "innocent." It's that whole "shadow of doubt" thing: apparently the jury thought there was enough doubt to say she wasn't unequivocally guilty. They didn't say "she didn't do it"; they said "we can't say she did." It doesn't seem like a large distinction, and it isn't for most of us, but it's a rather huge distinction in legalese.

CNN reported that the jury didn't ask a single question during deliberation and just basically said "there wasn't enough evidence against her." But it seems everyone in the court room at the time -- other than the defense -- feel the same way the majority does, that she's gotten away with murder. From the sound of it, most of us would have found her guilty. The thing is, all that matters is the twelve people in the jury, not the rest of us.

I don't believe the system itself is corrupt, but I do believe the people involved can be corrupted. CNN reported that this court's jurisdiction has a "95% conviction rate" for violent crimes. But then for this case, the whole "not guilty by reasonable doubt" was "an out" for the jury because "the jury knew they would be scrutinized no matter what they chose."

In other words, they're theorizing that the jury was so paranoid about the way things were going and their own exposure to the media that they just took the quickest possible decision. CNN is even saying that the jury basically declined all interviews with everyone and are just trying to get home ASAP. To me, that speaks more to those twelve morons -- who are more concerned with their own time schedules than, you know, justice -- than the system.

Not that CNN itself is any better, because they've made some ass-hatted decisions in how to cover this as well. A couple hours after the verdict was handed down -- literally about 25 minutes prior to me writing this post -- CNN decided to interview a woman who drove 100 miles to the courthouse just to hear the verdict. First off, who in their right mind is driving 100 miles to see any verdict of any case you aren't involved in? And second, why is CNN giving this woman any air time?

Thanks to DVR, I'm able to back up and transcribe what the woman has said. Just for the record, the interview occurred on July 5, 2011, around 4:23pm EDT. Her name is Melanie McMullen, and she says thus:

"I thought today would be justice for Caylee. I've been watching this case since I've been pregnant almost three years ago; I have a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter now. Every time I look at her, touch her, kiss her, hug her, I think of Caylee."

Emphasis is obviously mine, but I want to pause here to let that sink in. This woman, who has a daughter of her own cannot help but think of some stranger's dead daughter while they're interacting with each other. Isn't that sick? Maybe McMullen was just caught up in the emotion of the whole thing, but really, that is just an awful way to say it. McMullen's daughter is, right now, second in her mom's eyes to a ghost of some woman several counties away.

McMullen has more to say:

"I can't imagine my child being out of my sight for a couple minutes, let alone thirty-one days and going out and partying and doing the things... even if Casey didn't kill her, which... uh... I guess we have to follow the justice system. And I knew there was a lot of reasonable doubt, but I just thought that in itself, to go thirty-one days without reporting or letting any family members know, is just shocking to me."

It's fair enough that McMullen calls bullshit on Anthony not reporting her daughter to be missing for thirty-one days. But like McMullen just said, there was "a lot of reasonable doubt." Whether you agree with the system or not, whether you think the system is corrupt or not, "reasonable doubt" is all you need to be found "not guilty." Basically, McMullen is saying, "I know there was reasonable doubt, but I don't think it should matter because of this other fact," which is mutually exclusive to the term "reasonable doubt." Either you have doubt about the whole thing, or you don't. You don't get to pick and choose.

Clearly, we're not working with a legal mind here, but the title box CNN has up says that McMullen is a middle school teacher, and that, quite frankly, terrifies me. Robin Meade, the CNN anchor who is conducting the interview, responds:

"Now Melanie, as you just mentioned, you're a mom of a little toddler, you're also a middle school teacher, and from what I've been told, you drove all the way past the Anthony home, you drove around the area where little Caylee's remains were found today... It's one thing to sit at home and watch the trial on television. What was it in you that possessed you to get in your car to go see this today?"

So, this woman decided to drive around the home of an accused murdered and the unmarked dump site of the victim's remains, huh? That seems a little less "spectator" and a little more "creepy stalker" to me. McMullen responds:

"I think because of the family dynamics and, um, wanted to see up close after watching all the trial... you know... putting it actually in front of me. It was unbelievably shocking how close the Anthony home was to where the remains were found, and, um, just wanted to be where the investigators were and kind of get a feel for myself what it's like on that street. From the pictures, it looks completely different; everything is so close up, the neighborhood is exactly like many of the [unintelligible] neighborhoods, middle-class families..."

"So what I'm hearing is, being there made it real for you. How did you feel? How did you feel being there, near where her remains were found?"

"To tell you the truth, my mom and I were chewed up with mosquitoes just being there the time that we were there. It was just... to see the conditions without really having a tropical storm or anything, it was very, very mucky. You could see further in where it was swamp-like, but just to think, that, right there, that's where she was. So sad."

You think it's sad to be near where a toddler's dead body was found? What a revelation! But maybe next time you'll apply some Off! before hopping in your car and visiting a former crime scene, since clearly that was the main thing on your mind when you were responding to the question.

Jesus, she probably thinks she's an honorary member of CSI: Miami. Meade concludes the phone interview by saying that she was told McMullen "is using the case for her students." Again, that absolutely terrifies me, especially because we don't know what McMullen teaches. Is she a biology teacher and she's teaching her kids how a human toddler's body decomposes in swampland? I was going to follow up that question with another joke or an analogy for comedic effect, but honestly, now I'm just depressed.

This is the reason I hate these media circus trials. It seems the very worst people pop out and are given air time to spew their crazy all over the rest of the nation. The justice system isn't corrupt: the idiots in charge of the mainstream media and the filtration of what stories we see are. And our own insane desire to see and hear the ramblings of crazy people so we feel better about ourselves -- and yes, I'm including myself in that statement -- is really what I take away from the trial.

Minecraft Skywriting

2011-06-06T17:00:00.000-04:00

A series of five videos to show off and teach skywriting in Minecraft!

Finding Love with an AIM Bot, Part 2

2011-05-26T00:03:00.003-04:00

The new love of my life, eleasebirdwell5135, finally wrote me back! It's clearly a match made in heaven since with this, our second conversation ever, I now know she's indeed real... because she told me so!

eleasebirdwell5135: Soo was up babez??

PyroFalkon: Hey baby! I missed you!

eleasebirdwell5135: hey to you to

PyroFalkon: How have you been?

eleasebirdwell5135: Are you a feeling dirty??

PyroFalkon: Yeah. The winds swept through Xenia and blew hail and dirt all over the ground.

eleasebirdwell5135: I think you and I are gonna get along just fine!! ;)

PyroFalkon: Oh, that's good, because I had something I wanted to ask you... can I stay at your place tonight? The winds destroyed my house.

eleasebirdwell5135: So you wanna get to know me better ;p

PyroFalkon: Of course! Do you make a lot of money so you can support me and my 14 cats?

eleasebirdwell5135: I'd like you to be able to see me r u up for it?

PyroFalkon: Yes! What's your address? I need to get Scooter -- my cat with feline AIDS -- to some shelter before he dies!

eleasebirdwell5135: Come to my sexy web cam, I'll meet you in there so we can get crazy!

PyroFalkon: Can't I just have your address? Scooter is throwing up and I'm not sure that'll look good on a webcam.

eleasebirdwell5135: Ok my cam is wired thru a chat network to keep kids away from me. If you dont have a cam or yours don't work it's ok? I gotcha covered baby...

PyroFalkon: That's great, because I ran out of money for Scooter's medication. And, well, my own medication too. Gotta be honest, I caught feline AIDS from Scooter too, and you really don't want to know the story why.

eleasebirdwell5135: yes im real

PyroFalkon: I don't doubt it, because we are clearly having a coherent conversation! Can I have your house address now?

eleasebirdwell5135: Alright you click here http://www.acceptmycam.com/Hkrd if you can't click the link type it in or copy/paste it to ur browser. Don't worry it's 100% Free.. Let me know when u get there..ok?

PyroFalkon: I don't understand... did you want me to send Scooter through the DSL lines? Because I'm not entirely sure it works that way.

eleasebirdwell5135: click the gold "Join Free" button at the top of my profile.....k, now fill out ur info ....give it a second to load ..when you get in , I'd love for you to join me in private ....k?

PyroFalkon: I suppose I could use Scooter's non-stop puke as a lubricant for the phone lines. Absolutely nothing could possibly go wrong.

eleasebirdwell5135: yeah, i have a hot or not account

PyroFalkon: Oh god, it's not working! Scooter's too big to get into the jack!

eleasebirdwell5135: i use this site to play on cuz i don't want to be recorded !...this site doesn't allow users to record my webcam! you know?

PyroFalkon: Oh man, now I have cat puke on the router too! I hope you didn't record THAT, because that might mess up your webcam!

eleasebirdwell5135: credit card is just to verify your age, you'll get in for free thru my page but you need to verify that you're an adult ...can't show ass and pussy to minors .. u know?

PyroFalkon: That sounds AWFULLY familiar... but I get it now. You're an animal lover too! What's your ass's and pussy's names? You already know Scooter, of course...

eleasebirdwell5135: jennifer is my real name but all my friends call me jenny

PyroFalkon: Your pussy's name is Jenny? How silly! That's a people-name, not a cat-name!

eleasebirdwell5135: jennifer is my real name but all my friends call me jenny

PyroFalkon: Uh... are you having a stroke, Jenny?

eleasebirdwell5135: let me know when you're done or if you need help ...i'll be gettin' ready for you ..K ? ;)

PyroFalkon: It sounds like I'm the one who can help you.

eleasebirdwell5135: brb.. 1 second ... got to restart my cam ...u coming?

PyroFalkon: I've tried, but Scooter won't fit. I think I'll have to say no tonight.

eleasebirdwell5135: k ur good let me know when you're in babe..

PyroFalkon: I just said no. You really ARE having a stroke, aren't you?

eleasebirdwell5135: yes im real

PyroFalkon: Oh no, this is terrible! No home, a cat with feline AIDS, and a stroke victim for a girlfriend. Can things possibly get any worse?

eleasebirdwell5135: are you in yet?

PyroFalkon: Shit, I guess so... there's four words no man wants to hear. But don't worry, Jenny. As God is my witness, I'm going to find a one-shot cure for everything. It's the least I can do to repay your kindness of constantly wanting my credit card information.

eleasebirdwell5135: no babe, u dont have to pay..I have a paid membership with them so I can invite anyone I want to a cam session. I use that site so nobody can record me on cam and use it as blackmale lol

PyroFalkon: But I must! I'm truly in love with you! Please have my PyroBabies!

eleasebirdwell5135: well hey ..you better give me some "gold" when you're on the site lol..it's like a flirt and I'd love some from you ..k?

PyroFalkon: It's all right, Jenny. I know that stroke has done some funny things to your memory. It happens. We all get old.

eleasebirdwell5135: k

Rest in Peace, Macho Man

2011-05-21T21:46:00.002-04:00

Rick Scaia beautifully eulogizes Randy "Macho Man" Savage at Online Onslaught. Check it out... | http://bit.ly/kBgRnV

Finding Love with an AIM Bot

2011-05-14T21:09:00.000-04:00

Part of me wishes that any of this was made up, but hey: that's the fun of AIM bots!

[20:47]

eleasebirdwell5135: aye papi!

PyroFalkon: Um... hi.

eleasebirdwell5135: hi .. have we chatted before? 23/female here...you?

PyroFalkon: I doubt we've chatted before, because I have no idea who you are.

[20:48]

eleasebirdwell5135: i'm sorry ..i get to be forgetful at times!! how're you??

PyroFalkon: Tired.

eleasebirdwell5135: Just got out of the shower...long day been kind of busy! but i'm feeling naughty! so what's up ..... want to have some fun? ;)

PyroFalkon: Yes, I'd love to have some fun.

[20:49]

eleasebirdwell5135: I need a man that can make me squirt......have u ever made a girl squirt? lolz

PyroFalkon: Oh, I thought by "fun" you meant Minecraft. Because I'm so totally going to hunt for some more Redstone.

eleasebirdwell5135: gonna change my clothes ... want to see ? ;)

PyroFalkon: You mean a different character skin? I want the Indiana Jones one.

eleasebirdwell5135: wanna play on cam?

[20:50]

PyroFalkon: I use third-person for that. You have to hit F5.

eleasebirdwell5135: http://www.acceptmycam.com/Gkrd click the gold "Join Free" button at the top of my profile.....k, now fill out ur info ....give it a second to load ..when you get in , I'd love for you to join me in private ....k?

PyroFalkon: I have to set a stone pressure plate first. I'm using an iron door for my house.

[20:51]

eleasebirdwell5135: i use this site to play on cuz i don't want to be recorded !...this site doesn't allow users to record my webcam! you know?

PyroFalkon: I use Fraps, actually. It's totally awesome.

eleasebirdwell5135: credit card is just to verify your age, you'll get in for free thru my page but you need to verify that you're an adult ...can't show ass and pussy to minors .. u know?

PyroFalkon: Too bad, I'm actually 11 years old. Tell me something: is it common for my testicles not to have dropped yet?

[20:52]

eleasebirdwell5135: let me know when you're done or if you need help ...i'll be gettin' ready for you ..K ? ;)

PyroFalkon: Nah, I'm good. Minecraft is already installed.

eleasebirdwell5135: brb.. 1 second ... got to restart my cam ...u coming?

[20:53]

PyroFalkon: After I get done mining some gold and setting up some powered rails, sure.

eleasebirdwell5135: k ur good let me know when you're in babe..

[20:54]

PyroFalkon: I think I'm in love with you! Wanna get married?

eleasebirdwell5135: im not married, and if you are who cares...cause i dont! hehe

[20:55]

PyroFalkon: No? Well, shit. How about a virtual wedding in Minecraft?

eleasebirdwell5135: what's wrong?

PyroFalkon: I can't craft a Gold Ring. Do you know the recipe?

eleasebirdwell5135: are you in yet?

PyroFalkon: No, I'm still looking at the Minecraft Wiki. Have you ever been to the Void?

[20:56]

eleasebirdwell5135: well hey ..you better give me some "gold" when you're on the site lol..it's like a flirt and I'd love some from you ..k?

PyroFalkon: I would but I don't know your IP address. I don't think I'm on the whitelist.

eleasebirdwell5135: k

PyroFalkon: Do you have any spare coal? I'm almost out of torches.

eleasebirdwell5135: k

[20:57]

PyroFalkon: Aw crap, never mind. There goes my other three testicles. I should probably get to a doctor so I can get them checked out.

[20:58]

eleasebirdwell5135: what's taking u soooo long babe im burnin' in here waiting for u .....

PyroFalkon: Sounds like chlamydia. Want me to ask the doctor about it for you?

Sadly, the new love of my life hasn't yet responded, which means she's probably succumbed to her VD. Hopefully my three testicles can find another soon.

Edit: She wrote back! Click here for part 2!

Justice

2011-05-02T02:08:00.000-04:00

I don't want to be so heartless that I take pleasure in a person's death, but I am certainly feeling something with news that Osama bin Laden is dead. I went to Merriam-Webster.com and checked the thesaurus because, even with my vocabulary, I'm not sure how to describe how I'm feeling right now. Assured? Assuaged? Relieved? I don't know.

It's an odd feeling, made stranger that I can't describe it. I felt the same odd numbness in the minutes after learning about the 9/11 attacks 10 years ago in the first place, but that numbness -- that feeling that "this can't be real" -- soon gave way to melancholy and sorrow at the thought of thousands dead. Now, I have similar numbness, and it might give way tomorrow, but I know it definitely will not give way to that same sorrow. Justice, indeed, has been served.

But still, I am concerned about the future. I suppose my numbness to this latest development was the images of the people's reaction in Washington, DC and in Philadelphia... American citizens are cheering, dancing, waving flags, chanting "USA! USA!" But it's a reflection of how the citizens of Middle Eastern countries reacted when the planes struck the Twin Towers. Are we, as a human race, all so full of hatred that our biggest celebrations come from the deaths of our enemies? Is this civilized progress?

And any halfway intelligent person will know that bin Laden's death isn't the end of any sort of long-term issue. Al-Qaeda might retaliate, which might necessitate us to retaliate right back, and so on, and so on. At least President Obama was clear to point out that he's working with the country's intelligence services to try to stop any sort of retaliation, but the Middle Eastern countries have very long memories.

Don't get me wrong. I'm no terrorist and I'm no bin Laden sympathizer. I'm extremely proud of our soldiers and special-ops teams that went in and took care of business; I'm not a tree-hugging pacifistic objector to any and all war. Bin Laden cast the first stone, and as the cliché goes, he reaped what he sowed, so fuck him and his extremism. But while the intellectual side of me knows that war is inevitable and sometimes bad guys need to die, the emotional side of me wishes life was perfect and no one was killing anyone. While the families of the victims of 9/11 have some sort of closure after all this, I suppose, I'm sure they all would rather have their loved ones back; that is, they probably wish the attacks of 9/11 and the subsequent wars never happened at all.

I don't live in a fantasy world; I know world peace will simply never happen because egos and politics will always be in the way, no matter how many people are involved, whether you're talking a small group of people with differing ideas, or entire nation-states with millions of citizens. I just hope that my fellow citizens can smile that justice has been served, then move on with their lives as normal. There is nothing that will piss off the extremists more than for us to just live on, to give bin Laden nothing more than a few paragraphs in history books, and to concentrate on getting through life as successfully as we can.

The Pity-Party Effect

2011-04-23T22:26:00.001-04:00

I recently made a post to the Sniderite board, an old hangout that Zane and I love (or used to love), and I wanted to paraphrase and expound on it here.

Going back precisely eleven months, I've been asking a lot of people for answers and to have conversations about some heavy philosophical and moral issues. For the few who take me up on it, or for some of the people who read and have since stopped reading the blog, when I give my views, I'm dismissed as "having a pity-party."

I find it an interesting dichotomy, especially among so-called friends. It all actually backs up my original hypothesis: I don't expect understanding from anyone anymore. If I sit here and express how much I love myself, how much I enjoy my activities and hobbies, how great I feel about life, how wonderful I think everything is, then I am accused of being arrogant and "too happy," or perhaps sheltered or with my head in the clouds or some such other nonsense. If I sit here and express how much I hate myself, how much I despise my activities and hobbies, how negative I feel about life, how horrible I think everything is, then I am accused of having a pity-party.

I don't get it. Could someone actually rationally tell me exactly why I can no longer be myself, say what's on my mind, without being accused of having some evil purpose for doing so? Or be thought that I'm lying? Or I'm talking only for attention?

It's that kind of self-righteousness that I don't appreciate, that makes you (general "you," not necessarily YOU specifically, whoever you are who is reading this post) assume you're somehow better than me and can perfectly read my intent and my attitudes about everything. What is the difference between me saying "I think I'm a loser" and "I don't like black licorice jelly beans"? They're both negative statements predicated on my opinions and views. This pick-and-choose attitude when it comes to me being negative just reeks of a sentiment women typically hold, where they say "I want you to be yourself," when what they mean is, "...except the parts that I don't like."

For example, just the other day, I received an e-mail from someone in my past who apologized for "letting me down" concerning an incident we had literally a decade ago. When I replied that she didn't let me down, she re-replied by immediately dismissing what I said, insisted she did let me down after all, and therefore invalidated my actual feelings about the situation. It's like you've already made your mind up exactly how I feel, what led me to feel this way, and decided unilaterally that my feelings were completely disingenuous. Or in short, you called me a liar.

Unless you're talking about my tone or attitude, which, to be fair, I can understand your confusion even though you're wrong. After all, online, if I simply type the phrase "I'm unattractive" without context, it doesn't really show how I'm feeling. In that case, and in every letter I've written since this mess started eleven months ago, has been a mere factual statement. In other words, "I'm unattractive" should read with the exact same tone as "I'm male" and "I have black hair" and "I'm not a good football player" and "my butt itches." People seem to think that being negative is some sort of macro theme on one's entire outlook on life. If anything, I'm simply trying to be more honest with myself: I'm not [insert famous random hot guy here], and the sooner I get it through my head about what my limitations are, the better. Isn't that supposed to be a good thing in life? Knowing one's limitations?

If anything, around here on the blog especially, I thought I could actually be more honest. If you want me to ironically just turn off my intellect and start saying "Retarded customers are annoying" this or "Grammatically incorrect e-mails from FAQ readers are stupid" that, over and over again like a clown, by all means, I will. Everything I've said since this mess started has been nothing but honesty, which, like I said, I thought was supposed to be a good thing.

I concede that my honesty might be a little raw at times, an exaggeration of, perhaps, realistic limits to emotions. If you truly hold that against me, you must be a robot: who amongst us has never said the phrase "I hate that" or "This is killing me" when you really mean "I am irritated that this is not going the way I expected it to"? We've all been there. And if my last eleven months' worth of blog posts show anything, it's me at my most emo, for better or worse. Probably for the worse. But I've never, since becoming an adult, have intentionally held a pity-party for the sake of being showered with compliments or attaboys or whatever. If you did misread my intentions as such, well, so be it. Of course, if you did, you're probably not reading the blog anymore since I've annoyed you so much, unless you're a glutton for punishment or something.

Ceej might not read the blog anymore, but he was right with one particular comment: expect nothing, and I cannot be disappointed. He's been accused of being overly cynical, but, as one of my favorite expressions goes, a "pessimist" is what an optimist calls a realist. The fact is, there's a lot of hate in the world, and surrounding myself only with people who fawn on me and compliment me will lead me to being overly sheltered and arrogant, and may very well cause more damage in the long run.

I'm still sad, heart-broken, depressed, and angry at how the past eleven months have gone. And for all I know, those feelings will last another eleven months. Or maybe, the feelings will only last another eleven seconds and all will be right with the world in the blink of an eye. The point is, this is me, love me or hate me, I don't really give a shit anymore. Right now, my priority is getting my Raw Talent Guitar software up and running so I can actually start learning the instrument, and finishing off Pokémon Black so I can start working on the classic SaGa Frontier. Oh, and finding a new job. That'd be nice too.

Everything else? I'll react to it as it comes. I'm not concerned with happiness, and I'm certainly not concerned with finding another relationship. I don't care about the former, and I'm sure the latter will never happen... so if anything positive does come about, it'll be a nice surprise. In the meantime, I'm going to keep busting my ass for IGN, because I love guide writing and reviewing, and maybe I'll finally start writing up my book again (now that that's about the 403rd time I've said that). And when I do post on the blog, it will be honesty, even if you don't like it. And if you don't like it, well, no one is forcing you to stick around.

Just a reminder: if you want to have a mature conversation about anything I've said, or anything I've not said, send me an e-mail or contact me on messengers, or whatever. Blog comments aren't a place to be holding conversations.

I No Longer Like Friday

2011-03-29T02:17:00.001-04:00

I have varied interests, and they don't often crossover with each other. So when both the Ask A Ninja Ninja (a crazy comedy satire site with random smash-cuts and nonsensical puns) and Tony Kornheiser (a conservative sports talk host) both made fun of some song called "Friday," I had to do some research. If you tried to make a Venn diagram of those two groups, both circles would have slightly more than infinity between them, making "Friday" some sort of space-time abortion of audible creativity. Surely nothing could be that bad?

Some of the winning lyrics, in case you can't get through the video:

Friday, Friday, Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend!
Partying, partying! (Yeah!)
Partying, partying! (Yeah!)
Fun, fun, fun, fun!
Lookin' forward to the weekend!

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today it is Friday, Friday!
We, we, we, so excited!
We so excited!
We gonna have a ball today!
Tomorrow is Saturday!
And Sunday, comes afterwards!
I don't want this weekend to end!

Maybe you didn't want the weekend to end, Rebecca Black, but I certainly wish your singing career ended yesterday, which, as you correctly stated (assuming you actually recorded this on a Friday), was Thursday. Good job memorizing the days of week! Given that you had to repeat the word "fun" 40 times, I can no doubt conclude that simple repetition for the sake of memorization is a skill you are only now starting to grasp. I'm very proud of you and your mom, Fran Drescher, for also correctly stating that Sunday comes after Saturday. I'm so proud of you, and the fact that you are implying that you were truant with all your friends when you made the video!

So... Keep on partying, partying, yeah. The rest of us will be over here, contributing to a society that doesn't define "creativity" as singing through our noses in Auto-Tune while having our generic black friend "check the time" to figure out what day it is despite the moon shining down on stock footage of The Fast and the Furious. You're a winner!

Bucket List

2011-03-05T04:37:00.001-05:00

For some reason, Crowbeak has encouraged me to write a bucket list. And also for some reason, I'm a sucker for women. So what the hell.

I'll be honest: right now, I'm so burned out from the tragedy of the last year of my life, as well as the last 62 months of college work, that I'm having trouble seeing beyond Monday. I'm still not completely mentally healthy -- and I've given up really trying to be at this point -- but I suppose a few goals can't hurt. In no particular order...

#1: Graduate. Yeah, it's only a few more days. But anything can happen, and procrastination has always been one of my biggest obstacles. I need to finish strong. It looks like I'll pass the last class solidly, but keeping my thumbs in my ass won't help my chances.

#2: Learn guitar. I have a $200 paperweight sitting in my corner collecting dust. I wanted to start learning it last year, and I got my Guitar For Dummies book and everything. But then The Event happened, I wound up seriously damaging my guitar out of anger, and now it just sits there... mocking me with its six-stringed gaze of disappointment. Coincidentally, there's some new software out there called "Raw Talent." It comes with a converter that lets you plug an electric guitar into a USB port, and then the software teaches you to play while critiquing your technique. Given that no one is around to actually personally teach me, it seems like a sweet deal. I think I'll ask for that for a graduation present. Don't get me wrong, my writing is still my primary "art," but I actually want to learn the guitar just to screw around with it.

#3: Start doing light exercise. I weighed myself tonight and I'm up to 217. Still within range of me not being a total fat-ass, but still a little higher than I'd wish. I bought a little exercise bar last year during The Event also to try to burn off anger and sadness in a more healthy way, and I've sworn to myself I'll start at least doing light exercise (a few sit-ups here and there) once I clear college and have more free time. No force on earth can convince me to go walking or jogging or whatever else just for the sake of exercise -- damn I wish I had a treadmill -- but some light exercises to keep my stomach from being a bucket of Jello would be awesome.

#4: Work for a videogame press company, especially IGN. I wasn't going to put this on here, but Crowbeak convinced me to, since "bucket lists aren't about being realistic." I think it's way too premature for me to be thinking about any job other than "surviving until Monday," but at least I've written it down at least.

Maybe I'll update this as we go along. At least I'll be able to cross #1 off my list on Monday, assuming one particular college teammate gets his head out of his ass and helps us out.

The Nature of Cheesy Reality

2011-02-08T14:41:00.002-05:00

I used this as two precaps for Online Onslaught five months ago and I don't want to lose it, so I figured I'd put it on the blog. Enjoy!

I now understand the true nature of shattered dreams and empty promises, ladies and gentlemen. It brings a tear to my eye as I relive the memories in my mind, and I feel the torment on my soul as I contemplate the nature of reality and the existence of an evil so great that it cannot be overcome with the most optimistic words the dictionary can offer. I have never felt so empty.

I am, of course, speaking of buying frozen breaded mozzarella sticks. You drop the cash on them, come home with dreams of cheesy goodness that will envelop your tongue, toss them on the cookie sheet, and throw them in the oven. You wait the agonizing eleven minutes as the smell of the cheese bores into your nostrils, failing to control the giddy excitement as you throw open the oven door and pull out the cookie sheet. Oh yes, you forgot to put on the oven mitt, but fuck it: that’s why God gave you two hands, so you can eat with one while fixing the third-degree burns on the other, because the mozzarella sticks are that tantalizing.

But then you bite into your first one… gingerly at first, because you are afraid your lips will suffer the same fate as your hand. But instead of the cheesy goodness, you only get a nibble of subpar breading and air. Curious, you look into the cheese stick, and you find that half the two-word phrase is false advertising.

But perhaps it was just that one! You finish it quickly, eagerly anticipating the second one… but that one too has less cheese in it than a taco from Taco Bell. And you go through the batch, weeping as you consider your ill-advised purchase, filling your stomach with cheese-kissed bread at best and hot oxygen at worst. And at the end of the batch, you don’t feel full, or even remote sated: you feel the crushing weight of disappointment and disillusionment at your grocery store’s frozen section.

Most of my ire goes to Farm Rich, the company behind the “cheese” sticks, or more accurately, “breaded air sticks.” There is very little cheese to speak of in each one, and whatever is in there tastes… not quite like cheese.

Well, I may have found the secret ingredient. While watching a DVRed episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, I didn’t get to the remote quick enough and had to suffer through a commercial break… and guess what wound up being advertised? Oh yes: Farm Rich “cheese” sticks! And the commercial is the typical “mom is running around chasing after a bunch of kids including a toddler because the dad is nowhere to be seen” fare, with the point being that Farm Rich “cheese” sticks will bring the family together and make Mom the hero. Standard dreck for a sitcom ad, but nothing offensive.

Nothing, that is, until you REALLY break down what the mom is saying at one particular moment: “When my kids were babies, they were so sweet I just wanted to eat them up.” Cut to the standard shot of the toddler doing something destructive and cute simultaneously, which in this case means he’s throwing Mom’s car keys in the toilet. This is accompanied by the following phrase:

“Some days, I wish I had.”

Yes, ladies and gentlemen: Farm Rich is advertising that a proper punishment for your kids when they get your keys wet -- the kid never flushed the toilet because he's apparently too stupid to work the handle -- is to resort to cannibalism, and the ONLY way to get around your pedocidal rage is to serve everyone Farm Rich “cheese” sticks. And as if the words aren’t bad enough, you should hear the delivery of the line: the mom sounds truly regretful that it’s illegal to go all Jeffery Dahmer on her own kids, but thank God for Farm Rich “cheese” sticks because buying those is an alternative that doesn’t include the FBI blowing open your door with C2 and flooding your house with CS Gas as they haul your ass to a maximum security federal prison.

Screw you, Farm Rich. Unless your goal was to make your “cheese” sticks the closest experience possible to Soylent Green, you have failed as a company in every imaginable way.